The Onion 20 Years Later: World's best grandfather, Marilyn Manson and celebrity breakups
The Onion 20 years ago today had a rollicking good issue, reminding us that no one cares about opera, the Internet used to be slow, and it's always a gamble when servers don't write down your order
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from exactly 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Jan. 31, 2001.
I have to remind myself that I was a high-school senior 20 years ago. I knew about The Onion then, but I’m pretty sure college is when I became obsessed with it. Lots of AOL Instant Messenger away messages that were Onion headlines. for instance.
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What issue is this?
This was Vol. 37, Issue 03, the 47th published Onion issue of the 2000s and the 46th issue of new content. No records exist of the 2001 website. Here’s the 2011 website with all the images missing, and here’s today’s website.
No longer online is the headline “TV Muted While Neighbors Fight,” which still remains relevant for apartment-building dwellers like me.
Not listed on today’s Issue 03 page is “Fucker Sure Taking Long Time To Download,” which reminds me of having AOL dial-up 20 years ago.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
This is the 2nd issue of the George W. Bush presidency, but The Onion is already bored with politics, as no politicians are mentioned outside of the “What Do You Think?” feature.
I cannot say this enough: This is a good thing! We get much more of a “local” Onion newspaper this week.
So what do we have instead? We have 3 big stories, all of which have themes that are obsolete in 2021 but might still be funny. Let’s look at each.
The big shock of “Marilyn Manson Now Going Door-To-Door Trying To Shock People” is that he was already passé 20 years ago. There is some humor in Manson’s band touring the American suburbs. Sadly, his shtick is well-known, and no one seems perturbed.
Added Schmidt: "I tried to be nice and humor him a little. I said, 'Yesiree, that sure is some shocking satanic imagery, no doubt about it. And that one eye with no color in the pupil, very disturbing. I'd sure like to suppress that.' I mean, what do you say to Marilyn Manson?"
This is a really explicit article, and yet it’s written to make Manson seems pathetic — and his would-be victims tend to agree.
There’s more bad news: Eminem’s latest album was banned from Kmart, but Manson’s album is deemed acceptable. Maybe the most shocking thing is that, 20 years ago, Kmart album sales mattered.
The article ends with Manson taking credit for ordering the Columbine shooting. So …
“Area Man Proudly Accepts Exit-Row Responsibilities” isn’t completely outdated, as exit rows still exist on airplanes, but this is obviously a pre-9/11 plane travel story.
This is mostly harmless hero fantasy where Paschal, with the crew possibly dead, must save everyone on board. He’s almost too excited about the unlikely prospect of an emergency and mistakenly believes he’s “no longer a civilian.”
"Right now, it's leg room, but when the plane is engulfed in flames or sinking like a stone 30,000 feet above central Tennessee, it could be the path to life. And that's a path I want clear."
"Don't worry," said Paschal, turning to the woman seated next to him. "You're going to see your family again."
The flight attendants are not amused.
Added Sanchez: "Apparently, the guy doesn't realize that in the unlikely event of a crash, we're all fucking dead."
This story idea is smart and well-written, but I can’t imagine it publishing after 9/11 — maybe if the protagonist was trying to outdo Flight 93 or something. Don’t ask me how The Onion would write that.
The 3rd big, outdated story exemplifies The Onion’s blind spots from the 1990s and early 2000s. “Metric System Thriving In Nation's Inner Cities” is a great headline based on good wordplay and bolstered by exquisite story-telling.
But along the way, I’m not sure The Onion thought through this question: “Who are we making fun of?” Now, perhaps The Onion writers did think that urban youth and disadvantage communities were the butt of this joke, and figured that everyone is fair game. Perhaps they felt that the joke was America’s drug war, or the joke was about zany research studies.
Or perhaps they felt this was just a funny story and we shouldn’t think too hard about it. Or maybe they didn’t think at all.
I’m open to any of those arguments, or a combination thereof. Regardless, I doubt the writers, in 2021, would feel great about reducing American inner cities to the 3 things in this image:
Anyways, I don’t want to get on a soapbox. One way to look at this is that The Onion’s most memorable stories almost always have great writing and narrative, but great writing alone isn’t enough to make a story timeless.
Other fun things from this issue
“Finest Opera Singer Of Her Generation Unknown By Her Generation” is pretty accurate, and probably was a century ago, too. The Onion lovingly mentions many famous opera singers and composers, most of whom I’m unfamiliar with.
Anyways, this paragraph sums up the article:
During a recent performance of Mascagni's Cavalleria Rusticana at the Lyric Opera in Chicago, Coletti played to a capacity crowd of 4,600 old people. Of the 23 teenagers in attendance, 22 were ushers and one was dragged to the performance as punishment.
Sadly, “Germs Depicted With Menacing Little Faces” is just a blurry photo. Some very minor satire website stole the title for an article in 2020.
Here are some other fun bits from The Onion’s issue 20 years ago:
The headline “Janice To Register Three; Janice To Register Three” is silly but a fun way to fill the front page.
“Running Back's Buttocks Undulate Hypnotically In Sexuality-Challenging Slow-Motion Replay” feels very of its time. This was just over 1 year before Mets catcher Mike Piazza had a press conference specifically to say “I’m not gay.”
“Annoying Coworker Precedes All Nouns With 'Quite The’” is about a payroll secretary, and I wonder whether that job exists today.
“Diners Slightly Unnerved That Waitress Didn't Write Down Order” feels like it has 50% chance of going badly. Many servers possess superhuman memories, but how many of them work at Chili’s?
“Irish Wake A Blur” and “Fucker Sure Taking Long Time To Download” continue this week’s trend of headlines that are, to use modern parlance, “Facts only.”
Were the infographics good?
The very idea of the “New Candy Bar Sizes” infographic made me laugh, and I love that the candy bar is massive compared to the office buildings. The jokes are a mixed bag, but I think people who grew up with Mercator projection maps will appreciate that reference.
Paul McCartney was apparently “Rock's First Billionaire” 20 years ago, although it’s interesting that he was supposedly down to $800 million during his divorce hearing 7 years later.
Two things here:
These jokes are not good.
What the hell is McCartney doing with his right hand in the photo?
What columnists ran?
The Onion finally has a regular columnist run this week —the legendary Jackie Harvey! 20 years ago was a bad time for celebrity love, as he documents in “Celebrity Couples Are Breaking Up!”
I could do this entire newsletter just about this column, that’s how rich and ridiculous it is.
Let me pick out a couple of gems. I love how Harvey is simultaneously obsessed with Hollywood and also oblivious. Here are the 3 big couples who broke up, in his words:
Kim Basinger and Alec Baldwin
Puff Daddy and Jennifer Lopez
Helen Hunt and her husband
“Her husband” is apparently Hank Azaria, which is a great burn. By the way, Helen Hunt in 2001 was younger than Anne Hathaway is now. Unbelievable.
Harvey’s columns create a lot of work for me looking up all the random references, like John Goodman’s short-lived TV show “Normal, Ohio.” Then there’s this sentence:
Item! Speaking of Britney Spears, magician Harry Blackstone released his list of the Year's Worst Dressed, and she was on it.
You might be wondering, “Who the hell is Harry Blackstone?” TRICK QUESTION! There were Blackstones Sr. and Jr., both famous magicians, both dead by 2001. Harvey really means Richard Blackwell, also known as Mr. Blackwell.
I also have to mention this malapropism. I’ve been laughing for literally months waiting to include it:
What's this Tinker, Tiger, Soldier, Dragon movie I hear so much about? Is it true there's no English in the entire thing? That's crazy.
“This Mug Exaggerates My Grandfathering Skills To An Embarrassing Degree” is another winner, with Herman Fraser taking his title of World's Greatest Grandpa extremely literally. He names a couple of buddies who have more grandchildren and do more, and he also wonders about the award-selection process:
I can't help but wonder, who were the judges in charge of making this decision? And what criteria did they use? Were ballots mailed out? According to the inscription on the bottom, it was awarded by Continental Novelties, Inc. I guess that must be like the Motion Picture Academy for grandpas or something.
Fraser wonders whether there’s an award ceremony and whether he should make a political statement “like when Brando protested the plight of the Indians at the Oscars?” But he decides to take the honor and become a role model for all grandfathers.
This is just great Onion work.
Most “Hey, it’s 2001!” reference
This combines Jackie Harvey’s inability to get names right with some extremely 2001 “celebrities busted” gossip:
Item! Separated at birth? Rapper ODB (which stands for something a bit vulgar) and deeply talented actor Morton Downey Jr. were both captured by the long arm of the law within the same day. Did one tip the cops off to the other? Was there some sort of drug pact going on? Are the rumors about ODB's acting aspirations true? Is Downey marked for death? The rumors are swirling, and it will take a while, but trust yours truly to sift through the lies to bring you the truth.
There is also this Harvey quote:
PlayStation 2? I barely have time to keep up with my Furby!
Was an animal quoted?
No. I didn’t think through this feature, but I’m sticking with it!
What was the best horoscope?
“Trepanning” means a surgically made hole in your skull, more or less. This is a good horoscopes overall, but I had to highlight this.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
The technical term for what will happen to you next Tuesday is "trepanning," but that won't seem terribly interesting at the time.
What holds up best?
I absolutely love “This Mug Exaggerates My Grandfathering Skills To An Embarrassing Degree,” and it wasn’t an Onion story I knew about until recently. Top to bottom, this column is fantastic.
What holds up worst?
“Metric System Thriving In Nation's Inner Cities” makes me uncomfortable, even if I might call it “misguided” rather than “malicious.” I think “Hillary In 2004?" has aged the worst, partly because of the jokes and also because she ran in 2008 and 2016, not 2004.
What would be done differently today?
Let’s return to the metric system article. For entirely slang-based reasons, this line would be written differently in 2021:
Hoping to use the youths' metric zeal as "a springboard to further learning," the Department Of Education has launched "Da Math Skillz" program.
I also think “Running Back's Buttocks Undulate Hypnotically In Sexuality-Challenging Slow-Motion Replay” would require a new angle nowadays.
But overall, a lot of this 2001 issue could run today. Even the Marilyn Manson article!
What real-life people were mentioned?
Marilyn Manson. Eminem. Twiggy Ramirez. Madonna Wayne Gacy. Zim Zum. Jamal Lewis. Paul McCartney. Linda McCartney. Ringo Starr. Alexander Dargomyzhsky. Pietro Mascagni. Enrico Caruso. Renata Babak. Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky. Emma Eames. Denyce Graves. Maria Callas. Charlie Callas. Kim Basinger. Alec Baldwin. Puff Daddy. Jennifer Lopez. Helen Hunt. Jim Carrey. Drew Carey. Julia Roberts. Britney Spears. LL Cool J. John Goodman. Harry Blackstone. Audrey Hepburn. Courtney Love. David Duchovny. Teena Marie. Madonna. Billy Cleary. Mandy Lauderdale. ODB. Morton Downey Jr. Kate Hudson. Leonardo DiCaprio. Hillary Clinton.
Ramirez, Gacy and Zim Zum were in Manson’s band. Zim Zum actually left in 1998, but The Onion missed that detail. Ramirez just goes by Twiggy now.
Baltimore Ravens running back Lewis is the subject of “Running Back's Buttocks Undulate Hypnotically In Sexuality-Challenging Slow-Motion Replay.”
Starr and the late Linda McCartney are mentioned in “Rock’s First Billionaire.”
Mentioned in “Finest Opera Singer Of Her Generation Unknown By Her Generation” are composers Dargomyzhsky, Mascagni and Tchaikovsky, the singers Caruso, Babak. Eames, Graves and Maria Callas, as well as the late funnyman Charlie Callas. Only Graves is alive in 2021. The Onion’s copy editor was on vacation, I guess, as Dargomyzhsky’s name is misspelled as “Dorgomizhsky” and Babak’s name is wrongly listed as “Babek.”
Jackie Harvey’s column includes all of the entertainers mentioned above, as well as Cleary and Lauderdale from Season 1 of “Temptation Island.” Morton Downey Jr. was a real person who died 6 weeks after this issue, but Harvey clearly means Robert Downey Jr.
Clinton is mentioned in “Hillary In 2004?" which contains this possibly mistaken legal advice:
"No, no — you don't understand: The 19th Amendment gives women the right to vote for a president, that's all."
Bob Van Eeghen • Lawyer
What was happening in the real world?
Here’s the real-life news from Jan. 22-28, 2001. News is from InfoPlease and the front pages of The New York Times (subscription required). Movie and music charts are linked:
Bush bars overseas abortion aid, creates office to bridge government, religious programs, introduces "leave no child behind” proposal. Colin Powell’s son to lead FCC. Thousands killed in India by earthquake. US claims Iraq rebuilt weapons factories. California’s electricity crisis continues, while NYT examines deregulated energy industry. American Museum of Natural History demotes Pluto from planet status. FCC holds largest-ever airwaves auction. Scientists: Rats, other animals likely have dreams. Las Vegas is fast-growing, but sprawling. China continues Falun Gong crackdown. Alan Greenspan supports tax cut. Jennifer Capriati and Andre Agassi win the Australian Open. NYT remembers the Oldsmobile as GM moves to retire it.