Reviewing The Onion from 20 years ago: Oct. 18, 2000

If you need first aid advice, we've got it! We also have Gen X angst, the USS Cole bombing, George W. Bush's salary concerns, and outdated cultural references.

Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from exactly 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Oct. 18, 2000.

This week, we look back at a steady dose of humor — something you’d love to grab from a newsstand and read over lunch 20 years ago.

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What issue is this?

This was Vol. 36, Issue 37, the 36th published Onion issue of the 2000s and the 35th issue of new content. Here’s what the website looked like in 2000, 2010 and today.

“I Can Instantly Tell Whether Someone Is African-American With My Amazing 'Blackdar’” is part of this issue. But it was slightly rewritten in 2005, and that’s the version that’s online. Look at the 2000 version here.

No longer online is the front-page headline “Alabama Governor Rassles With Controversy.” It’s a scandal that this wasn’t a full story, especially as that governor eventually went to prison.

What was the top story, and other impressions?

“Bush Horrified To Learn Presidential Salary” has one major error that I, a copy editor, struggle to overcome. The presidential salary in 2000 was $200,000, as Bush is shocked to learn, but a 1999 law doubled that salary for Bill Clinton’s successors.

Now, $400,000 is still a pittance for Bush, but that annoyed me.

Bush has ideas for improving his compensation, including cutting some Cabinet agencies, but the presidency doesn’t work like a business, apparently:

"Don't I maybe get a 2 percent commission on any increase in the GNP? No? And there's no bonus for, say, brokering a Mideast peace accord or vetoing a certain number of bills?" Bush asked. "Well, at least the salary's tax-free, right?"

The article’s final paragraph takes on a different meaning in a post-9/11 world:

"I know my dad made a bundle off the Gulf War," Bush continued. "But I guess it wasn't through the job. I'll have to ask him just exactly how he did it. Maybe something like that would work again."

A very good Area Man column

Jim Anchower is an Onion columnist I’d not given much thought to before starting this newsletter, as I admitted in my first email. But he’s one of the best-written characters, with a rich detail of his day-to-day life, hobbies, friends, aspirations and the way life inevitably frustrates him.

He’s a minimally educated burnout stoner in a rural-ish America, yes, but he’s never a stereotype. And he’s got a push-through-it optimism that makes you root for him without getting depressed about his plight (looking at you, Jean Teasdale).

This week’s “I Been Trying To Figure Out A Way To Make Some Scratch” is a slow-building masterpiece. He’s dealing with tooth pain and no dental insurance, a tattoo gone wrong, a wonky vehicle, and trouble finding work, but he’s got ideas. He’s an ideas man!

One of those ideas includes accessing the internet, which, good God, is such a 1990s story:

I'd heard that lots of people were making some major coin on the Internet, so I went to one of those coffee shops with computers to check it out. After screwing around with the Internet for a while without getting any results, I finally got fed up and typed in "fuckyou." The screen changed to some hot chicks with huge tits and, suddenly, I was in business.

Obviously, Anchower did not make “major coin” online. But he’s still out there hustling.

Portmanteaus involving “radar”

I was very worried about re-reading ““I Can Instantly Tell Whether Someone Is African-American With My Amazing 'Blackdar,” partly because it’s 20 years old and also because I didn’t remember it as well as 2004’s “I'll Have You Know I Have Several Black Friendsters.”

First off, let me know if I’m misreading this article or its intentions. What I feel in 2020 is, mostly, that it’s so damn stupid that it kind of works. I mean, the author (who is Black) is literally just watching people on TV or seeing them in person and saying, “Ah, my magic tells me something!”

There are also two small differences in the 2000 print issue and the 2005 online version: A sentence referencing Tim Meadows is rewritten to Kenan Thompson, while Whitney Houston was changed to Missy Elliot.

Read through it and make your own conclusions. I’ll point out two passages that intrigued me. First, a precursor to Paul Mooney calling out Wayne Brady on “Chappelle’s Show”:

And why do you think that Roots mini-series felt so authentic, so convincing? Those actors weren't just pretending to be black…. they were black. Yes, even LeVar Burton—black, black, black!

There’s also the very 2000 reference to ex-lovers Mariah Carey and Derek Jeter, both because of their fame and America’s difficulty understanding mixed-race heritage:

Like with Mariah Carey. At first, I was positive she was black, but now I'm not so sure. And that guy on the Yankees, Derek Jeter. I'm pretty on the fence about him, too.

Area Families

We have a couple of items this week highlighting the family struggle, starting with “Marriage Breaks Up Over Procreative Differences,” which is just the photo above. If you told me the headline was “Marriage Breaks Up Over Bowl Cut,” I’d also believe you.

We also have the better, lengthier “Family Spends Awkward, Silent Quality Time Together,” which is a nice depiction of families putting in minimum effort to look like they’re happy together.

Every family member has a role! The mother takes advice from Women’s Day magazine, the kids sit in silence, the dad is determined to keep up appearances, all over a nice dinner and TV afterward.

Because this is 20 years ago, 16-year-old Michelle is excited to watch “The Simpsons.”

There’s also the backstory of how family outings now consist solely of silent trips to the mall, where the children immediately split off from their parents.

Area Man Roundup

One great thing with this issue is the 2000 Onion’s ability to simultaneously pretend at newspapering while offering cutting insight into the human condition.

For instance, “Man With New Generator Hoping For Power Outage” is very short, but correctly shows how humans like imagine themselves as disaster heroes.

“Historical Inaccuracy Found In Wild West Strip Show” is that segment of society that wants to “Well, actually” everything, and of course that is now our primary way of communicating online.

“Aging Gen-Xer Doesn't Find Bad Movies Funny Anymore” could almost certainly be used today as “Aging Millennial,” swapping in many 1990s movies starring Jim Carrey or SNL cast members. The fact that almost all of the films mentioned in 2000 are forgotten today makes you wonder what people in 2040 will be bewildered by.

That said, the last paragraph is uniquely Gen X:

"I used to be able to take great pleasure in not enjoying things," Erdman said. "But these days, the only things I like are things I like. Christ, I feel so old."

“Man Listening To 'Highway To Hell' Actually On Parkway To Waukegan” is even simpler — just wordplay, really, but also a reminder that AC/DC is not exactly inspiring anarchy.

Even “Discovery Of Oil Turns Peru Into Bunch Of Assholes” illustrates how so many people let success change them, even if it’s dated by the context of 2000’s Peruvian presidential crisis and an extremely American viewpoint of other countries’ politics. The most modern thing about this article? World leaders talking reckless to each other:

When Argentine president Fernando de la Rúa made a diplomatic trip to Peru on Oct. 5, Fujimori asked him to "run out and get [him] a cup of coffee." Fujimori later told de la Rúa he is "surprised you are so fat, considering you hardly have any food in your country."

Were the infographics good?

“First-Aid Tips” is largely a compilation of TV/movie tropes about first aid, which I really love. If you want to learn how to handle decapitation, when to scream “Why?” or need to see a reference to the 1970s show “Emergency!” then this is for you.

The Onion also gets meta before that was a thing:

Administering CPR is easy. Just do it like you saw them do on TV that one time.

“Least Sacred Holy Days” is very dumb but also made me laugh a lot. “Pentecostcutters” is genius, and “Palm-Slapping Sunday” just sounds like every NFL commercial’s ideal of what watching football is like.

I don’t remember “The Beatles Anthology” being a real-life book, and this is a great example of what I mean by how much culture can shift over 20 years. The Beatles are still monumental, of course, but some of these joke references are for diehards today rather than, in 2000, simply being something people grew up with.

What columnists ran?

Onion publisher emeritus T. Herman Zweibel comes out swinging with “I Will Decide What Is Appropriate For Children!” in which he is annoyed with readers for suggesting that children “are anything but blood-thirsty little savages.”

In his own perverse way, Zweibel is simply advocating for parental responsibility:

God-damn it! Is it my fault you leave my news-paper lying around where your piss-pantsed off-spring can leave their eye-tracks all over it? Is it my fault that the harsher Anglo-Saxon monosyllables are sometimes the only way to adequately communicate the difference between mush-mouthed Presidential candidates?

There’s also a disturbing reference to how Zweibel may or may not have paid off Fatty Arbuckle to commit sexual assault, although it helps to know that Arbuckle was accused, possibly wrongfully so, of doing this.

Arbuckle, by the way, had been dead 67 years when this article was published. Yet another topical reference!

Most “Hey, it’s 2000!” reference

This quote from “Family Spends Awkward, Silent Quality Time Together” reflects 2000’s TV viewing options as well as what life was like without high-speed internet and smartphones:

"Marc wanted a TV set of his own, and I said, 'No way, buster,'" Larry said. "Then he'd be spending all of his time watching MTV in his bedroom, instead of sitting out in the living room watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire with us."

Was Bill Clinton mentioned? Was an animal quoted?

No. We’re running out of Clinton time!

What was the best horoscope?

So … is this the best horoscope? Probably not. But what a hell of a way for The Onion to cover the USS Cole bombing on Oct. 12.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Sorry, we accidentally printed an old horoscope for Cancer last week. It should have read, "Beware of terrorists while your Navy destroyer is refueling." We apologize for any inconvenience.

What holds up best?

“Family Spends Awkward, Silent Quality Time Together” and “Aging Gen-Xer Doesn't Find Bad Movies Funny Anymore” work very well in terms of cultural dynamics, even if the particulars of each article would look different today. Families are always struggling to co-exist, and every generation goes through a mid-life crisis.

What holds up worst?

There are a few stray jokes throughout that haven’t aged well. While for me, a non-fanatical Beatles fan, “The Beatles Anthology” seems rather pointless today, perhaps you’ll look at the “Blackdar” story or something else with disdain instead.

What would be done differently today?

I wonder whether “Indian Teen Caught Playing Air Sitar” would be published now. It’s mostly a Mad Libs article in that it substitutes keywords from a generic story, so it’s relatively harmless. It’s also only mildly funny.

“Mayhem In The Mideast” is a tricky “What do you think?” Onion feature, because 20 years ago this month, violence between Palestinians and Israelis had escalated, so the news hook was there. I don’t know whether today’s Onion would delete this joke or write 5 more like it:

"If only one side was a little darker so I could figure out who was right."

Dan Voss • Truck Driver

What real-life events/people were mentioned?

Harri Holkeri. Alberto Fujimori. Fernando de la Rúa. Gustavo Noboa. Hugo Bánzer. Fernando Cardoso. The Bee Gees. Gary Coleman. Olivia Newton-John. Jim Lehrer. Buckner & Garcia. Tim Conway. Jerry Reed. Arthur Miller. Angelo D'Angelo. Nicole Kidman. John Travolta. William Shatner. Ravi Shankar. Randolph Mantooth. Jimmy Carter. Louie Anderson. George Harrison. Paul McCartney. John Lennon. Ringo Starr. Gandhi. Yoko Ono. Linda McCartney. Topo Gigio. Fatty Arbuckle. George W. Bush. Karl Rove. George H.W. Bush. Condoleeza Rice. Nolan Ryan. Tim Meadows. Kenan Thompson. Whitney Houston. Missy Elliot. Jesse Jackson. Peter Jennings. LeVar Burton. Mariah Carey. Derek Jeter.

• “Discovery Of Oil Turns Peru Into Bunch Of Assholes” features many world leaders, including former Finnish Prime Minister Holkeri, here serving as UN General Assembly president; Fujimori (Peru); de la Rúa (Argentina); Noboa (Ecuador); Bánzer (Bolivia); and Cardoso (Brazil).

• “Aging Gen-Xer Doesn't Find Bad Movies Funny Anymore” features actors and musicians (Coleman, Conway, D’Angelo, Kidman, Travolta, Shatner, Reed, Newton-John, the Bee Gees), comedy acts (Buckner & Garcia), playwrights (Miller) and newsmen (Lehrer).

• Shankar was an Indian musician mentioned in “Indian Teen Caught Playing Air Sitar.”

• Mantooth was a star of the TV show “Emergency!” and is mentioned in “First-Aid Tips.”

• Carter is in the horoscopes.

• Anderson is in “Least Sacred Holy Days.”

• All of the Beatles and Beatles’ wives, plus Mahatma Gandhi and Italian children’s TV puppet Topo Gigio. are mentioned in Beatles infographic.

• Rove, the elder Bush, Rice and Ryan are all mentioned in “Bush Horrified To Learn Presidential Salary.”

• Jackson and Jennings are in the “Blackdar” story.

What was happening in the real world?

Here are real-world news events from Oct. 9-15, 2000, keeping in mind The Onion’s production schedule was a few days ahead of its publishing date. The news is pulled from InfoPlease and the front pages of The New York Times (subscription required):

USS Cole bombing kills 17 Americans. Clinton signs China trade bill as China says it will honor commitments. Israeli-Palestinian conflict continues. Clinton sent bill cracking down on sweatshops, trafficking (covered by The Onion this week). Rumors swirl about steroids in baseball. Bush, Gore hold 2nd debate. Miss America crowned from Hawaii. Booksellers pause discounting war. NYT profiles Cory Booker, other young black politicians favoring school vouchers. Roger Clemens pitches 15-strikeout 1-hitter in the playoffs. U.S. government calls for auction of airwaves, while FCC looks at making landlords allow Internet choices. “As Homework Load Grows, One District Says 'Enough'.” Chevron looks to buy Texaco. N.J. police hid data showing racial profiling. NYT profiles new trend of bariatric surgery.