No one but The Onion got Bush-Gore right 20 years ago
The election, plus dead gerbils, live bears, Malibu rum and personal ads. Also, The Onion's publisher releases Woody Woodpecker from his dungeon.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from exactly 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Nov. 8, 2000.
The Onion’s Wednesday publication meant that it had to take a wild guess as to the 2000 election. As we’ll find out, they got it right!
The 2000 election had one immediate impact — this issue came with a reminder that The Onion wouldn’t publish again until Nov. 29. That was scrapped once the election turned out to be a nightmare of court battles. So, they published Nov. 15, 2000, and we’ll have that next week.
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What issue is this?
This was Vol. 36, Issue 40, the 39th published Onion issue of the 2000s and the 38th issue of new content. Here’s what the website (sort of) looked like in 2000, as well as in 2010 and today.
The Onion’s “Caring For Your Car” guide is no longer online, but it’s likely that it’s the same as the one we saw on June 14. As I’ve mentioned, The Onion had the print problem of needing to fill space, so it would re-run old stories.
Also in print but not online anymore are the front-page headlines "Office Casual-Day Policy Hastily Rewritten To Exclude Unitards” and “Sex Had.”
What was the top story, and other impressions?
I was a high-school senior during the 2000 election, still too young to vote. I was following the race, and the election night coverage. We knew it was a close, competitive race, but I don’t recall most people thinking, “This will take days to resolve!”
But there we were on a Tuesday, with Florida and other states up in the air at midnight. If my memory is correct (a big if!) I remember seeing Lester Holt on NBC as I went to bed, and he was still on TV as I was getting ready for school the next day.
The Onion’s print date was always a Wednesday in 2000. So for people seeing the paper or website on Nov. 8, 2000, “Bush Or Gore: 'A New Era Dawns'" looked like a perfect prediction.
Sadly, The Onion did not predict anything. As a print newspaper, it went to press before election night, and so this was more a lucky guess than anything else.
What should we credit The Onion for? As usual, a dogged determination to run a joke all the way through the article. The joke here is that everything happening could be said or done by Bush or Gore.
It starts with the dateline: “AUSTIN, TX, OR NASHVILLE, TN.” Nearly every sentence reads like a Choose Your Own Adventure or some kind of Mad Libs for presidential elections.
Whether it’s the sensible policy opinions, sharing stories from voters, praising their campaign managers or thanking their families, The Onion makes sure we understand that there is no appreciable difference between Bush or Gore:
"The greatest thing a president can do is set an example for the people," Bush or Gore continued. "And as a devoted family man with a wonderful wife and [two or four] wonderful children, I promise to make the White House a place Americans can feel good about."
Now, since 2000, we’ve discovered that Bush and Gore probably had many differences. But The Onion don’t really predict the future; sometimes it just needs to write satire that plays off the public’s perceptions.
That said, there is one area in which Bush and Gore remain the same, even today:
Waving to acknowledge his supporters, the Ivy League graduate and scion of a political dynasty called for "a time of renewal and rebirth in America."
Other 2000 political tropes
The Onion was not a political animal quite yet in 2000, and it shows with the rest of its coverage (spoiler: Next week is better!).
Voter turnout was poor in 2000, and so The Onion took to the streets to ask people about it. “The Low Voter Turnout” is pretty generic Onion humor, with the most notable aspects being 2000-era pop culture references like MTV’s Rock The Vote and “American Idol”:
"What do you mean? I've done nothing but vote all year — for my favorite song, for most exciting NFL touchdown, for whether the rabbit gets his Trix. I'm fuckin' exhausted."
Larry Buckley • Office Manager
While The Onion accidentally predicted the Election Day turmoil, it whiffed on the infographic “Top Write-In Candidates.” For one thing, Ralph Nader was on the actual ballot in nearly every state! Downplaying his candidacy looks pretty silly in retrospect.
Finally, we have the photo “Vote, Voter Wasted,” which feels extra dated considering howmany drug-related ballot issues were successful in 2020.
Polling and focus groups
The Onion sneaked in an article about surveying people’s opinions that wasn’t election-related. “New Girlfriend Tests Poorly With Peer Focus Group” is a delightful take on what’s really a simple thing — having your friends meet the person you’re seeing. The joke is that this clinical psychology student actually runs the experiment.
“Christine is beautiful, no one can deny that. But feedback indicated that the group wanted to see someone with a ‘more mature look,’” Lindblad said. “The midriff-baring shirt actually worked against her in there. Who would have guessed? Well, that’s why we do these tests.”
By evening’s end, a full 84 percent of Lindblad’s friends said they agreed with the statement, “Evan can do a lot better.”
Dead gerbils and zombies
“Neighborhood Children Gear Up For Hotly Anticipated 'Opening Of The Gerbil's Tomb’” has everything: Millennials, a dead friend, debate over digging up graves, treehouses, talk of ghosts and zombies, secret ceremonies — all from the perspective of children.
Thankfully, despite the dangers, the exhumation of Marshall the gerbil is ready to proceed.
Unbowed by the prospect of attacks by the undead, Mefford reiterated his intention to open the styrofoam crypt. As a concession to those concerned about zombies, however, basic precautions against the undead will be taken, including the presence of garlic, a cross, and a Bible. In addition, a large shovel will be kept nearby for the purpose of hitting Marshall if he moves posthumously in any way.
Area People doing Area Things
No one will ever remember The Onion’s November 2000 writing for anything but the politics, but there’s a good amount of fun in this week’s issue that’s just normal American life. Well, normal American life in the 1990s, at least.
“Half-Empty Bottle Of Malibu Found In Woods Behind School”: I didn’t drink in high school, much less in eighth grade, so I just have to trust this is accurate. I’m not sure I’ve seen much Malibu since college, so maybe most Malibu really is drunk by the underage.
“Kinko's Patron Pulls The Old Copy-Key Switcheroo”: I don’t condone the behavior of this “broke-ass bassist,” but I probably like copy-shop fraud more than someone being an unsuccessful bassist.
“NS/ND/C/DWF Wondering Why She Can't Find Someone”: Another entry from the “how things used to be” almanac is this item about personal ads. Christian Mingle wasn’t founded until 2001, and of course there weren’t all the other online options.
“Man Builds House He Designed When He Was Eight Years Old”: I once had a sketchbook with a grid, and I also drew rough layouts of fanciful properties that would probably cost millions of dollars. I didn’t have this level of imagination, though:
A $5 million laser-guided trap-door system was installed to protect the home from infiltration by Wendell, a onetime Reese playmate who is now an actuary in Danbury, CT.
Were the infographics good?
I follow online retail and distribution more closely than the average American, so let me tell you that I laughed a lot at this Wal-Mart infographic. Wal-Mart’s battle against Amazon is entirely predicated on combining online sales with its stores, so it’s a marvel that Wal-Mart didn’t have a website until 6 years after Amazon was founded.
Credit to The Onion for accidentally predicting the importance of viral video in the 2nd item.
What columnists ran?
This week, we have one of the best Point/Counterpoints ever written: “Whoooooo! Bears! vs. Aaaaaggh! Bears!”
Please read it. I won’t spoil the premise, but you’ll understand soon enough.
In other news, Onion publisher emeritus T. Herman Zweibel is celebrating Thanksgiving early in “Dungeon Master,” and like outgoing President Bill Clinton, Zweibel is here to give out pardons. Except Zweibel is releasing people from his personal dungeon.
Zweibel’s bountiful mercy in 2000 touches lapsed subscribers, critical employees, random tourists and a shipwrecked crew.
But mostly, please note that Zweibel has imprisoned Woody Woodpecker, whose crimes include acts against Wally Walrus:
Mr. Woodrow Wood-pecker, whose well-documented history of uncouth behavior was for decades the Republic's greatest shame. What he did to that walrus gentle-man was inexcusable. After years of trying, my Swiss Guard finally snared him in a tiger trap, into which 10,000 gallons of quick-drying cement was poured. I am willing to excavate him, but only in exchange for those two back-sassing crows.
Finally, we are rich in blessings this week, as Jackie Harvey returns with more Hollywood nonsense in “A Year Without Movie Magic? Say It Ain't So, Hollywood!” Labor relations were at a low point in Hollywood then, with fears of strikes by actors or writers. Mostly, Harvey is worried about missing out on “whatever Jerry Bruckheimer had in store.”
Harvey’s also here to update us on such entertainment news as the Anna Nicole Smith lawsuit, “Charlie’s Angels" (where he confuses Lucy Liu and Lisa Ling), the fall TV lineup, Meg Ryan’s latest lover and The Grinch movie.
Harvey also delivers a tortured wordplay as he dissects CBS’ fall lineup, which somehow makes its 3rd consecutive appearance in The Onion.
This newsletter’s already too long, so I won’t go into the way Harvey mangles names and other things. Please go learn more about TV chimpanzee J. Fred Muggs, whom Harvey elevates to “former Today show co-anchor.”
Most “Hey, it’s 2000!” reference
There are so many candidates, although it’s hard to top “Search option includes RealAudio file of adolescent stockboy saying, “Uhhhhhhh…” from the Wal-Mart infographic.
If only The Onion had talked about a Wal-Mart skin for Winamp to play your 160 kbps MP3 files, we would truly have covered the 2000 audio scene.
Also worth mentioning is “Access Hollywood Producer Would Never Work For Entertainment Tonight,” which is a perfect example of how the TV and entertainment landscape has changed in 20 years.
Was Bill Clinton mentioned? Was an animal quoted?
Weirdly, Clinton is not mentioned even in passing during any of the politics stories. And while gerbils and bears have a big week at The Onion, none of them talk.
What was the best horoscope?
I usually avoid all the death-related horoscopes, but let’s change it up this week and honor Libra.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Your Thanksgiving plans are dashed when you learn that there has already been a "Libra killer."
What holds up best?
This is a weird issue in that there are a lot of funny stories, but they are all pretty dated. One exception might be “Neighborhood Children Gear Up For Hotly Anticipated 'Opening Of The Gerbil's Tomb',’” with its precise, detailed look at the inner workings of children’s social lives and how they handle death.
What holds up worst?
Most of the election stuff, except for the idea of America not knowing who the winner is, feels pretty dated today. Also not aging well is “Mozambique Out Of Toilet Paper,” which feels like someone on The Onion staff realizing Africa hadn’t been mentioned in a while.
What would be done differently today?
There would be little or no coverage that wasn’t about the election. I looked at The Onion’s home page yesterday (Saturday). Of the top 21 stories, all 21 were election-related, and 20 related to Biden, Trump or the networks covering the election. The only exception was “Passed California Ballot Measure Allows Uber, Lyft To Categorize Workers As Car Parts.”
I don’t want to downplay that perhaps this year’s election felt more all-encompassing than the 2000 election did. But I can’t imagine it’s as fun to be an Onion writer when your job is “write Trump jokes” instead of “be a satirical newspaper.”
What real-life events/people were mentioned?
George W. Bush. Al Gore. Joe Allbaugh. Donna Brazile. Joaquim Chissano. Adolphe Menjou. M. Night Shyamalan. Angelina Jolie. Bob Goen. Mary Hart. John Tesh. Pat O’Brien. Tom Cruise. Anna Nicole Smith. Drew Barrymore. Lisa Ling. Cameron Diaz. Bill Murray. John Goodman. Geena Davis. Meg Ryan. Randy Quaid. Paul Hogan. Madonna. Kevin Spacey. Samuel L. Jackson. J. Fred Muggs.
Allbaugh and Brazile were campaign managers for Bush and Gore, respectively.
Chissano was president of Mozambique.
Menjou was an actor who died in 1963. He’s mentioned in “Dungeon Master,” as Onion critic Kenneth Phelps has been locked in a dungeon since 1926 for a poor review of Menjou’s acting.
Shyamalan, Jolie, Tesh, Cruise, “Entertainment Tonight” hosts Goen and Hart, and “Access Hollywood” host O’Brien are all mentioned in “Access Hollywood Producer Would Never Work For Entertainment Tonight.”
Everyone from Smith on is in Jackie Harvey’s column “A Year Without Movie Magic? Say It Ain't So, Hollywood!” Paul Hogan is incorrectly referred to as Crocodile Dundee, which is the movie he’s most known for. While we’re at it, Harvey’s talk of Meg Ryan’s affair is about Russell Crowe, not Crocodile Dundee or Paul Hogan.
What was happening in the real world?
Here are real-world news events from Oct. 30-Nov. 5, 2000. Because The Onion’s production schedule ran ahead of publication, we don’t have Election Day in this week’s roundup. The news is pulled from InfoPlease and the front pages of The New York Times (subscription required):
Final days of campaigning for Bush, Gore. International Space Station receives first astronauts. Europe lawsuit targets tobacco companies. Garry Kasparov defeated after 15 years dominating chess. Cold medications containing phenylpropanolamine are recalled. NLRB rules graduate students can form unions. NYT report on stocks: “Now That the Thrill Is Gone, Investors Turn Back to Basics.” Clinton vetoes spending bill. Bush says California is in play. Strong dollar boosts American tourism in Europe. Yugoslavia joins UN after Milosevic’s departure. NYT reports on “webisodes” trend. Napster to charge for music. Violence between Israelis, Palestinians continues. Charges dropped in 1998 incident where N.J. state troopers shot unarmed minorities. “Tonight Show” host Steve Allen dies. Profile of the Red Delicious apple.