Howard Stern, "dating boxers," PlayStation 2, and the XFL
20 years ago, these were big stories for The Onion, along with Montessori schools, "The Patriot" and eating bread before dinner. Also, a trailer for a 1970s dystopian roller derby movie, just because.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from exactly 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Nov. 1, 2000.
Can you believe the XFL and PlayStation 2 are 20 years old? And yet, Vince McMahon is still a major figure, and PlayStation 5 is about to drop. This week’s issue follows that pattern: Lots of out-of-date references, but the human foibles on display are very familiar.
Next week, we have part 1 of The Onion’s Election 2000 coverage!
As always, please like and share this email — it’s the best way to let people know about The Onion: 20 Years Later! And if you’re new here, sign up directly below.
What issue is this?
This was Vol. 36, Issue 39, the 38th published Onion issue of the 2000s and the 37th issue of new content. Here’s what the website (sort of) looked like in 2000, as well as in 2010 and today.
No longer online is the brilliant headline “Man Accidentally Ends Business Call With ‘I Love You.’"
What was the top story, and other impressions?
Sometimes in chaotic and tense situations, we seek comfort in the banal. That dubious armchair psychology does seem to fit the Nov. 1, 2000, lead story, “Nation Fills Up On Bread.”
This story is well-constructed and again features The Onion’s love of government reports. It’s also written like a media scoop about a hidden-in-plain-sight health crisis:
"Despite decades of awareness-raising efforts on the part of appetite conservationists, filling up on bread remains the leading cause of leaving the dinner table early for Americans in the 7- to 64-year-old age group, and the second-leading cause for citizens over 65."
There’s also an element of complaining about the youth. A fictional expert who is the author of “Saving Some Room For Later” says that younger generations “lack even the simplest mealtime gratification-delay skills.”
The U.S. is last in the world in appetite-preservation skills, although this is a roundabout way to say we’re too good at not starving. "No other country is as bad at staying hungry as we are,” says HHS Secretary and longtime Onion target Donna Shalala.
The other big story is “Howard Stern Organizes Women's Health Symposium,” which proves how well-known Stern was (and is), because I’ve never been a listener to his show yet recognize every character, every sidekick and every bit of Stern-specific phrasing. This article takes place only three years after the film “Private Parts” and about 5 years before he left regular radio for Sirius XM. Stern’s also on the rebound from his failed first marriage, as he alludes to a few times.
This is spot-on parody of Stern’s shtick/greatness, but also very NSFW. Here’s a relatively tame passage:
"We hope in time to establish the Howard Stern Women's Health Foundation as the nation's leading organ of women's health awareness." Upon hearing Stern use the word "organ," longtime sound-effects man Fred Norris activated a pre-recorded comic "sproing" sound.
The 2000 election
This week, we have 1 mention of the 2000 presidential race, in The Onion’s “American Voices” feature, where they talk to people on the street. "Into The Home Stretch” is fairly bland, although this quote has really lived a long life:
"My vote for Ralph Nader will send this country a powerful message: Bush is a bad president."
Paula Buechner • EMT
We also have a curious error in “Candidate Delighted To Be In Chair Factory.” Don Stenberg was a state attorney general and, several times, ran for the U.S. Senate as a Republican. But he did that from Nebraska, not Delaware, as The Onion says.
This article delivers wry smiles more than laughs, but I confess this line feels like something a politician would say:
“Just as you have done for so many satisfied customers throughout Delaware, it is my hope that you can provide me with a 'seat' in Congress."
Area People doing Area Things
There are many ways to get ready for a date. You want to put your best self out there. But sometimes this behavior reveals what you’re neglecting, as “Man Breaks Out Dating Boxers” points out.
In 2000, Calvin Klein boxers were a step up from Fruit Of The Loom briefs, and that’s probably true today?
We have a lot of quirky fun in this issue, and it’s a credit to The Onion’s writing staff for coming up with these short gems:
“You The Newest Subsidiary Of Kraft Foods”: You and I are only worth $11,000, although that’s up to $16,445.03 today!
“Captain Kirk's Life Flashes Before Dying Trekkie's Eyes”: Some of you might remember the “Saturday Night Live” episode where William Shatner mocks Trekkies. The criticism did not take.
“Mall Security All Up In Girl's Face” is a very 20th-century story, with teens, mall cops and retail workers alike being stereotyped. The thing that makes this version special is the addition of “Dorothea Lurman, a noted teens'-rights activist,” who turns a simple littering/loitering dispute into a rather unfounded civil rights complaint.
“Something Weird Going On In That Montessori School, Neighbor Reports”: This is one of those stories about a retiree with goofy conspiracy theories who, in 2000, was limited to letters to the editor and some grumbles. Today, this person says the same stuff but probably runs a popular Facebook account and/or a YouTube channel. This is a well-written piece, both in the old man’s theories and in this response from the school:
"I'd like to take this opportunity to say that, although the Montessori method is of Italian origin, we are not affiliated with the Mafia in any way. Nor is the school a sweatshop that forces the children to produce black-market finger paintings. And not one toddler who is enrolled in our day-care program has ever been boiled in a broth."
“Awful Show A Repeat Again”: A 2nd consecutive week of The Onion reminding us that people watch CBS shows.
Were the infographics good?
It’s a shame the jokes in “Top-Selling PlayStation 2 Games” are so lazy, even if I appreciate that, somehow, this is the 2nd Onion issue of 2000 to mention both “Battlefield Earth” and PlayStation 2.
I’ve owned every PlayStation at some point, which mostly means I’m old, as I am reminded playing any PS4 game online where everyone seems to be 11 years old — and better than me at the game.
This primer on the ill-fated, short-lived XFL is pretty good. Poor Tommy Maddox! Also, I’m kind of shocked the XFL didn’t go for teams based on stereotypes.
I had to look up the James Caan reference, but I believe it refers to the 1975 movie “Rollerball.” I haven’t seen “GLOW,” but I’m guessing it’s not a shot-for-shot remake! For 2020 context, referencing “Rollerball” is like us referencing a relatively cult-like 1995 film, like “Empire Records.”
What columnists ran?
Onion publisher emeritus T. Herman Zweibel has become increasingly bizarre and detached from our universe during 2000. In this column, “The Peace Of The Womb,” he is accidentally trapped within his own iron lung.
I cannot verify that the depiction of the iron lung within is scientifically or mechanically accurate. Zweibel is eventually freed, to his disappointment, and he also contracted the bends during the rescue. Tough times for a 132-year-old.
In other news about old people trapped indoors, we have “This Casino Is So Glamorous!,” where Rosemary Potter is wowed by the Mishwauketomee Casino, presumably run by a Native American tribe. All it takes is wall-to-wall carpeting, greeters in tuxedos and fancy lights, mirrors and draperies.
Look, I understand being wowed by new experiences, and casinos are good at delivering the goods. But also, this is sad:
Nothing in the Mishwauketomee Casino was tacky. There were no clocks on the wall to break up the elegance of the decor. There weren't even any windows, so you didn't have to look at the ugly outside world and spoil the fantasy. I'm telling you, these folks thought of everything!
Finally, on a happier note, we have a truly American tradition — taking umbrage with a critic’s review of pop culture — in “I Must Take Issue With Entertainment Weekly's C-Plus Grade For The DVD Release Of The Patriot.”
It’s obsessively critical of EW’s history of reviewing “The Patriot” even as it acknowledges the film’s flaws, and it’s kind of written like a review itself. It’s also — and I kid you not — largely based on the actual review by Entertainment Weekly.
Most “Hey, it’s 2000!” reference
Obviously, it’s “I Must Take Issue With Entertainment Weekly's C-Plus Grade For The DVD Release Of The Patriot.”
So much of this is from a different life — DVDs, Mel Gibson action movies being a big deal, Entertainment Weekly being a big deal! A magazine column being called “CyberDigest”! And if that wasn’t enough, check out this paragraph:
I don't know what was going on over there at the EW offices this week, but something was definitely off. I mean, rating Fatboy Slim's new single "Ya Mama" a C? Giving a B to the WB fansite www.charmed.org? Doling out a C-minus for Keri Russell's delightful new hairdo? None of these, however, got my goat quite like the C-plus for The Patriot.
Sadly, the Charmed website is defunct.
Was Bill Clinton mentioned? Was an animal quoted?
“Clinton Goes Back In Time, Teams Up With Golden-Age Clinton” is a classic in the Onion tradition of random commentary about sitting presidents. It’s a shame it’s just a photo, with no story. (Here’s a primer on the Golden Age of comic books.)
What was the best horoscope?
There are many reasons people struggle to understand the news, but Gemini at least has a novel excuse in this week’s horoscopes:
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Your inability to grasp contemporary world events will be cleared up this week when you realize you've confused CBS Evening News with Cleopatra 2525.
What holds up best?
Online dating and social media have given us way too much insight into people’s dating quirks, and so “Man Breaks Out Dating Boxers” was ahead of its time.
What holds up worst?
One of the many problems with “Top-Selling PlayStation 2 Games” is that it treats video games like a weird fad. This viewpoint was probably outdated in 2000, but it’s lost any relevance today.
What would be done differently today?
There’s nothing inherently wrong with “Mall Security All Up In Girl's Face,” especially for a Wisconsin-based staff. But in 2020’s political climate, I doubt The Onion would be so glib about law enforcement interactions, even of the mall-cop variety.
The Onion’s homepage as of Oct. 31, 2020, does have stories that aren’t about Halloween or Election 2020, but you’d be hard-pressed to find them. Here’s one sampling of the political coverage:
What real-life events/people were mentioned?
Maria Montessori. Don Stenberg. Bob Eckert. James Caan. Tommy Maddox. Vince McMahon. Tristan Rogers. Harvey Korman. Jim Mullen. Ken Tucker. Heath Ledger. Mel Gibson. Roland Emmerich. Ty Burr. Fatboy Slim. Kerri Russell. Owen Gleiberman. George W. Bush. Al Gore. Bill Clinton. John Chancellor. Anna Kournikova. Donna Shalala. Howard Stern. Robin Quivers. Hank The Angry Drunken Dwarf. The Wack Pack. Ralph Cirella. Gary The Retard. Houston. Jackie "The Joke Man" Martling. Fred Norris.
Montessori was, unsurprisingly, founder of the Montessori movement.
Stenberg, mentioned as U.S. Senate candidate in Delaware in “Candidate Delighted To Be In Chair Factory,” served as Nebraska’s attorney general or treasurer for portions of 1991 to 2019.
Eckert is named as Kraft Foods CEO in “You The Newest Subsidiary Of Kraft Foods,” although he had left in May 2000 to become Mattel CEO.
McMahon is pictured, though not otherwise mentioned, in “The XFL” infographic.
Soap star Rogers is mentioned in “This Casino Is So Glamorous!.”
Korman, the actor, is subject of the headline-and-photo “Harvey Korman Cracks Up Denny's Waitress.”
Entertainment writers Mullen, Tucker, Burr and Gleiberman, along with actors Ledger, Gibson and Russell, director Emmerich and the musician Fatboy Slim, are part of “I Must Take Issue With Entertainment Weekly's C-Plus Grade For The DVD Release Of The Patriot.”
Bush, Gore and Clinton are mentioned in “Into The Home Stretch,” along with TV journalist John Chancellor, who died in 1996.
Tennis player Kournikova is mentioned in “Top-Selling PlayStation 2 Games.”
Everybody from Stern onward is from “Howard Stern Organizes Women's Health Symposium.” The only fictional person in that story is the New York Times reporter that Stern places in his lap.
What was happening in the real world?
Here are real-world news events from Oct. 23-29, 2000, keeping in mind The Onion’s production schedule was a few days ahead of its publishing date. The news is pulled from InfoPlease and the front pages of The New York Times (subscription required):
U.S. government marks 3rd consecutive budget surplus. Ebola strikes in Uganda. Madeleine Albright visits North Korea. Yemen says a USS Cole bomber is connected to Bin Laden. Democrats worried about Nader. New York Yankees win World Series for 3rd straight year. Roger Clemens famously throws a broken bat at Mike Piazza. “No Time for Napping in Today's Kindergarten.” General Electric announces it will buy Honeywell [editor’s note: The deal eventually failed]. AT&T announces plan to break up, while communications industry lobbies Congress. “Technology Sent Wall Street Into Market for Pornography.” Microsoft says hackers saw source code. NYT: Many people rely solely on the emergency room. Popular revolution topples Ivory Coast military ruler. 'None of Us Can Get Out' Kursk Sailor Wrote.” Scientists warn of climate threat.