Election? What election? (said The Onion 20 years ago today)

Remember Garth Brooks' divorce? The show "Yes, Dear"? Vincent Canby? No, no and no? Well ... we have Henry Kissinger?

Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from exactly 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Oct. 25, 2000.

20 years ago, we were 2 weeks from the historic 2000 presidential election, and there is exactly 1 headline devoted to that race. If you’re a Henry Kissinger lover or hater, however, we’ve got quite a surprise for you!

(P.S. I’ve been sick all week, so the real test is whether any of this makes sense. Thanks for coming along for the ride.)

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What issue is this?

This was Vol. 36, Issue 38, the 37th published Onion issue of the 2000s and the 36th issue of new content. Above is an image of the website in 2000, and you can also see it from 2010 and today.

Sadly, there’s no record of the illustration accompanying “The Onion Halloween FunCorner presents: Count Bakula Mask!” which was literally meant to be worn by readers, according to message board posts from 2007 and 2011. (Also, The Onion has an amusing history of Scott Bakula coverage.)

What was the top story, and other impressions?

Henry Kissinger was 77 in 2000, and Hugh Hefner was somewhat of a relic who hadn’t yet learned about the power of reality TV. But The Onion does not care!

The good thing about “Half-Naked Kissinger Thrown Out Of U.S. News & World Report Mansion” is that it’s well-written, with a near-perfect swap of the Playboy Mansion and Hefner’s lifestyle for the D.C. swamp depicted in Mark Leibovich’s “This Town.” The precision of the parody here is almost “Airplane!” level, and nearly as zany.

The bad thing about this story is that many of the people and things referenced have only become less relevant since 2000, like Clinton-era CIA Director John Deutch. As we’ve seen in this newsletter, when you take semi-dated references and add another 20 years, suddenly most living people don’t understand them

Here are the basics:

• U.S. News & World Report (the magazine that’s not Time or Newsweek) and owner Mort Zuckerman stand in for Playboy and Hugh. (Zuck says, “News should be informative, but also sexy and fun.”)

• Instead of Playboy Playmates, we have the Fact-Checker Of The Month.

• And, of course, Henry Kissinger. He and many D.C. insiders (George H.W. Bush! Dan Rather! Bill Kristol! Laura Ingraham!) are standing in for Hollywood celebrities.

This genre of Onion stories really delights me, so I’ll try to avoid spending all my time here. I’ll add four observations:

1. It kind of helps to know the celebrities and print journalism lingo, like “AP-wire printouts,” Calvin Trillin or “Typesetting.”

2. Sen. Larry Craig’s airport bathroom arrest wasn’t until 2007, yet he randomly appears here. Make of this what you will:

Nearby, leather-clad Senate Republican Policy Committee chair Larry Craig (R-ID) stood atop the pool bar, challenging all comers to "try and beat me in arm-wrestling."

3. Zuckerman is dating triplets named Mindy, Cindy and Windy. That last one is easy to miss.

4. If nothing else, The Onion does an incredible H.W. Bush impersonation:

Bush, who at one point disappeared for a half-hour into the mansion's Velvet Typesetting Room with wife Barbara and CNN Crossfire co-host Mary Matalin, defended Kissinger's behavior.

"Kissinger–disco king, no doubt, no doubt. Did he do anything the rest of us wouldn't? I'd say not. Good man, the Kisser–knows how to get down," Bush told reporters from his guest room at the mansion, where he is recuperating from a "heckuva hangover." "Loves the wine? Sure, sure. Women? Song? No question there. But a good egg, and I'll stand by him."

Other political news

America changed greatly on Nov. 7, 2000, and again on Sept. 11, 2001. Both events also showed The Onion that it could be funny about big, national news. And over time, that news- and political-focused content came to dominate The Onion.

But all of this was in the future 20 years ago. So what politics was The Onion covering? The photo-only “'Decision 2000' Actually Made In Smoke-Filled Room In 1997” is our only direct reference to the election.

We also have “Congressman Picked Last For Committee On Youth Fitness,” which is also a simple premise, hinging largely on knowing that Rep. J.C. Watts Jr. was a college and pro football star.

And, finally, “U.S. Leads World In Mexican-Food Availability” is only vaguely about international relations, and it’s mostly a wordplay joke. Mexico is 4th, by the way.

The Onion’s love of industrial companies

“Man With Hodgkin's Disease Way Over Sick-Day Limit” is a story about the American system of employer-based health care, and for some readers, that’ll hit too close to home. The other angle I take on these 2000-era “area workplace” stories is that The Onion routinely sets them at industrial sites — auto shops, factories, wholesalers, etc. These are usually fictional businesses, but it’s not hard to imagine many such jobs no longer exist or have been outsourced.

Here we have Atco Tool & Design, which is unsympathetic to Hodgkin’s Disease sufferer Richie Lotus’ need for time off, even denying his request to use vacation and personal days.

The humor is dark in this one, as the closing paragraph illustrates:

"I feel for Richie, obviously, but I don't think anyone would hold him up as a model employee," Phelan said. "He's a decent guy, and I hope he gets through this and becomes a healthy, productive worker again as soon as he can. But right now, he's hardly giving us incentive to hire Hodgkin's Disease sufferers in the future."

Area teens and other area people

Because this is the old-style Onion, we have lots of local news. There are so many out-of-date cultural references in this issue, but let me highlight 3 stories whose messages still resonate:

• “School 'Fine,' U.S. Teens Report” reflects a perpetual truth, even though the teens of 2000 (including me!) are now pushing 40. This government survey of teens was thorough:

  Asked if they expect to do well on upcoming algebra tests, 87 percent said, "Sure." Asked if they were prepared for English exams, 51 percent responded "Yeah" and 40 percent "I guess."

• “Woman Feels Guilty After Switching Brands” doesn’t only apply to women. Many of us are weirdly loyal to brands.

• “My Brother Is Going To Love This Forwarded List Of Lawyer Jokes” was conceived as an AOL-era email joke, but this generation of internet users has never stopped. These people still send emails, but mostly you’ll find them posting 11 times a day on Facebook, replying at celebrities on Twitter and not understanding how capitalization works.

  “You know what? Something strange just occurred to me. Even though, for the past two years, I've faithfully forwarded stuff to Jim three or four times a week, he's never sent anything to me. “

There are other local stories, but they are a mixed bag. “Retiree Purchases Recliner He'll Eventually Die In” pretty much has the entire joke in the headline. And like nearly every Onion story mentioning gay people in 2000, “Area Man Experimenting With Homosexuality For Past Eight Years” feels dated because so much has changed in 20 years — politically, culturally, legally, etc.

Were the infographics good?

I checked, and all of these CBS shows were real. I guess that is the joke. (The joke is kind of on us, though, because CBS has been very successful with this stuff.)

Other new CBS shows not mentioned were “Some of My Best Friends,” starring Jason Bateman as a gay man in New York, “Big Apple,” a cop show starring Ed O’Neill, and ““Kate Brasher,” the plot of which I’m still unsure after consulting Wikipedia.

Garth Brooks was married but then was not, I guess. The broken heart icons are a nice touch. I also like the Chris Gaines reference and the idea of royalties for divorce-inspired ballads.

For some reason, Jerry Reed is mentioned in The Onion for the 2nd straight week.

What columnists ran?

T. Herman Zweibel has nothing but free time on his hands, and so we get “Around The World In One Paragraph,” which is his usual complaining about other people, including his neighbors the Baintons but also the peoples of every nation and region.

It’s not his best effort — not that enraged, not that funny. My favorite line might be his closer:

The only thing breaking up the monotony is the odd volcano, and those don't erupt nearly as often as they should.

The column “My Baby Don't Want No Medicine” is the 2nd of what would be 6 columns by new, foul-mouthed mother Amber Richardson. She debuted in 1999 with “I Hope My Baby Doesn't Come Out All Fucked-Up And Shit,” and she is more angry than hopeful this time around.

Amber’s not a great parent, or that smart, or that interested in anyone else’s thoughts, but she’s also clearly been ill-served by society. 20 years later, it felt sad to read, not amusing.

Well, these columns weren’t good! Let’s move on.

Most “Hey, it’s 2000!” reference

The entire existence of “Sharon Stone To Star In Major Backstage Drama” feels like it qualifies.

That said, I’ve been watching “Moonlighting,” which also starred a blonde actress with a reputation for ego and combativeness. Cybill Shepherd was almost assuredly not easy to work with, and she had a horrible habit of sleeping with co-stars and directors, but people wanted to ruin her and delighted in it. I suspect Stone’s story is similar.

Was Bill Clinton mentioned? Was an animal quoted?

I really thought this feature would be used more. But for the 3 talking animals a year, it’s worth it.

What was the best horoscope?

The horoscopes have references to prison sodomy, the Washington Football Team and other unpleasant things, so let’s go with something slightly more wholesome.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

You will find yourself on the wrong side of Loretta Lynn this weekend when you foolishly come home a-drinkin' with lovin' on your mind.

What holds up best?

I’m not a parent, but maybe “School 'Fine,' U.S. Teens Report”? It seems slightly out of date considering how much content teens put out into the world, but also seems perpetually relevant in terms of how they’ll answer direct questions from their parents.

What holds up worst?

Both local columnists this week. I mean, I barely wanted to read them, and that’s kind of my job with this newsletter.

What would be done differently today?

Obviously, the election and COVID-19 would dominate. I also think there’s no shortage of workplace satire with “Man With Hodgkin's Disease Way Over Sick-Day Limit,” although it would likely be set at a tech company or Tesla or something.

There’s an abundance of current-events coverage here, including stories I haven’t mentioned, and that feels pretty modern for The Onion.

That said, like every 2000 terrorism story by The Onion, this quote from the “American Voices” feature “The Subway Series” (about the Mets-Yankees World Series) would be changed today:

"I've been waiting years for this glorious event. What? No, I'm not a Met or Yankee fan. I'm a terrorist with a relatively small amount of plutonium."

Victor Kritikos • Trader

What real-life events/people were mentioned?

Henry Kissinger. Mort Zuckerman. George Stephanopoulos. Larry Craig. Dan Rather. William Kristol. Laura Ingraham. David Halberstam. DeeDee Myers. David Lawrence. John Deutch. George H.W. Bush. Barbara Bush. Mary Matalin. Calvin Trillin. Richard Riley. Vincent Canby. Roland Joffe. David Bonior. J.C. Watts Jr. Sharon Stone. Barry Levinson. Peter Bart. Sherry Lansing. Don DeLillo. Loretta Lynn. Madonna. Audrey Hepburn. Garth Brooks. Jerry Reed. Scott Bakula. Anna Nicole Smith.

• The many, many people included in “Half-Naked Kissinger Thrown Out Of U.S. News & World Report Mansion” are listed above — everyone from Kissinger through Trillin, longtime humorist and columnist for The New Yorker and other magazines.

• Riley was Bill Clinton’s only secretary of education and is quoted in “School 'Fine,' U.S. Teens Report.”

• Canby, the New York Times critic who died in October 2000, is the subject of “Filmmakers Call Vincent Canby's Life Overlong, Poorly Paced,” while Joffe is a director.

• Bonior was a Democrat and the subject of “Congressman Picked Last For Committee On Youth Fitness.”

• Filmmaker Levinson, former Variety editor in chief Bart and former Paramount boss Lansing are all mentioned in “Sharon Stone To Star In Major Backstage Drama.” Sadly, the movie that’s mentioned — “This Charming Man” — was not real.

• DeLillo is mentioned by a man in the feature “The Subway Series.” Ironically, DeLillo this month was interviewed by the New York Times and spoke about watching baseball in 2020.

• Madonna and Hepburn are held up as symbols of heterosexuality in “Area Man Experimenting With Homosexuality For Past Eight Years.”

• Smith is in the front-page print headline “Anna Nicole Smith Awarded $450 Million In Nonagenarian-Fucking Fees,” which reflects the real-life court case that continued for another decade, including past her own death.

What was happening in the real world?

Here are real-world news events from Oct. 16-22, 2000, keeping in mind The Onion’s production schedule was a few days ahead of its publishing date. The news is pulled from InfoPlease and the front pages of The New York Times (subscription required):

Bush, Gore hold 3rd debate. World Series begins. Bill Clinton visits Egypt for Mideast peace talks. USS Cole crew praised for saving ship. Missouri Gov. Mel Carnahan dies in plane crash. NYT profiles Americans obsessed with weight; also publishes “While Children Grow Fatter, Experts Search for Solutions.” Independent counsel: Hillary Clinton’s testimony included “factually false” statements. “Once Close to Clinton, Gore Keeps a Distance” (editor’s note: reminiscent of The Onion’s recent Clinton senioritis story). NYC looks at neighborhood-focused high school assignments. Bin Laden implicated in 1998 Kenya embassy bombing, while intel reports suggest Bin Laden-linked group’s terror plans. FDA looks to ban phenylpropanolamine from cold medicines. Class-action lawsuits allege racial bias in automotive loans. Arthur Andersen signs deal for Times Square office tower (editor’s note: The Enron scandal ended the firm’s tenancy plans, but the tower opened in 2004). New York Times profiles Wal-Mart’s rise.