Bill Clinton, Elián González, Yugoslavia and other very 2000 things
Plus, a teen gets a job at McDonald's, a pastor is a comedian of the soul, and "Rocky Horror Picture Show" and Monty Python are somehow involved.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from exactly 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Oct. 11, 2000.
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What issue is this?
This was Vol. 36, Issue 36, the 35th published Onion issue of the 2000s and the 34th issue of new content. Here’s what the website looked like in 2000, 2010 and today.
In the print version but no longer online is the headline “Man With Towel On Face Targeted By Mafia,” which feels more like an early-1990s joke, back when John Gotti was tabloid fodder.
Not listed on today’s Issue 36 page but still online are “Report: America Ready For Third Ketchup Brand” and the Point/Counterpoint column.
Sadly, “Pantene Introduces New Behavioral Conditioner” was in the 2000 print issue but is a 1999 repeat. I encourage you to read it!
What was the top story, and other impressions?
Believe it or not, presidential elections weren’t always the only thing people talked about. Thus The Onion, less than 1 month before the 2000 election, led its issue with “CNN Still Releasing News Piled Up During Elián González Saga,” which is a funny idea but incredibly archaic.
Imagine news sitting around for months. Today, anything trending on Twitter is forgotten about within 12-24 hours. And imagine people in 2000 thinking that America could only handle one news story at a time.
But hey, it’s still a funny concept that’s well-executed. I love the idea that the Dalai Lama’s death went unnoticed for four months, or that we now have only 49 states:
Last Thursday, the network reported the annexation of South Carolina by North Carolina, which acquired its bankrupt neighbor in March in accordance with the terms of an obscure, centuries-old clause in the South Carolina tax code.
Other noteworthy events:
50% of Russia contracted rickets
A volcano appeared and erupted in South Dakota
Ted Turner bought the Mona Lisa from France
China’s government collapsed
Yet to air, sadly, was noted recluse Thomas Pynchon’s May 17 message:
“Hello? It’s me, Thomas Pynchon,” Pynchon said. “I have J.D. Salinger here with me, too. We’re here trying to raise awareness of this profoundly serious crisis. Is anybody listening?”
Again, The Onion’s approach to politics in 2000 is both bewildering and refreshing to a modern audience. Instead of Bush-Gore, here’s what The Onion focused on for Oct. 11, 2000:
“Green Party Official Caught Embezzling Campaign Funds For Dime Bag”
“Clinton Suffering From Senioritis, White House Sources Say”
These are enjoyable enough, if not exactly innovative comedy. The best part of the Clinton story might be the revelation that Bill and Hillary’s marriage is an arrangement:
"To be honest, once I bolt, I don't want to see any of these people again — at least not for a long time. Not even Hillary," said Clinton, alluding to recent rumors that his eight-year White House romance might not survive the "real world." "I'm not even sure what her plans are. I think she wants to move to New York or something next year."
Yugoslavia, mind you, was a real electoral crisis. Let’s note this Onion reader’s perspective:
"Like the Yugoslavian people, I once participated in violent, impassioned street demonstrations. We were so fuckin' psyched the Bulls three-peated."
Area People doing Area Things
The quiet classic of the Oct. 11, 2000, Onion issue is “Teen Lands Job With Fortune 500 Company,” which reads like a Bloomberg or Fortune profile of a CEO hire, except it’s about a teenager taking an entry-level job at a McDonald’s.
18-year-old Jeremy Novato, like any stock analyst, wanted to be part of a Fortune 500 company with international growth potential, healthy revenue and leading market share. Plus, he’s ambitious:
"Right now, I'm just trying to take in as much as I can, watching everything that goes on around me," said Novato, who, as a drive-thru cashier, will directly handle a portion of the company's projected year-2001 revenue of $14 billion. "But hopefully soon, I can get in there and begin to effect some real changes of my own."
What 18-year-old in Massachusetts wouldn’t be excited about McDonald’s Latin American expansion, and quote a J.P. Morgan analyst to back up his point? Only a fool, I say.
Other area happenings include:
“Area Man's Mother Sizes Up New Girlfriend's Pelvic Span”: Like most great “Seinfeld” episodes, this must be based on an Onion writer’s real life, right?
“Network Executive Cancels Show After Ruining It In Development”: The Onion loved going after Fox in 2000 (the broadcast network, not Fox News)
“St. Christopher Statue Embedded In Motorist's Forehead”: My mom was a Catholic parish secretary 20 years ago (and is again), and I’m guessing she did not forward this around the office.
“Beekeeper Wishes He Understood Women Like He Understands Bees”: Just a photo, sadly.
The Lutherans also get some attention in this issue, with “Area Pastor Likes To Inject A Little Humor Into His Sermons.” This is tamer than 1997’s “Local Lutheran Minister Loves To Fuck His Wife,” but it’s really well-written and might resonate with many current or former churchgoers.
Look at these “humorous” illustrations!
Were the infographics good?
I’ve never seen “Rocky Horror Picture Show” and I do not wish to. so I outsourced this review to “a source close to this newsletter.”
This source says the references, including “Going to Denny’s afterwards,” are on point. “Rumored homoerotic overtones” was highlighted as a particularly good line given the movie’s events.
RIP Gregory Hines, who died in 2003. These jokes are good chuckles, if not belly laughs. And poor Jon Lovitz — that’s still a good burn.
What columnists ran?
It wouldn’t be a 2000 Onion issue without T. Herman Zweibel, who as you might recall was visited by the ghost of his father in February. In “Ghost-Buster,” Zweibel’s father is accompanied by “the ruth-less steel magnate J. Titian McBrodie.”
Zweibel is more bored by the ghosts than anything else, and the column kind of fades away.
This week’s issue has lots of nerd culture (sorry), including “Maybe I Can Impress Her With My Holy Grail Quotes.” I mean, holy hell, just imagine this in real life:
Perhaps the presidential election will come up, affording me the opportunity to say, "Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony!" Or maybe, while talking about the unusual cold spell of the past week, she will make some sophisticated meteorological observation, rendering it appropriate for me to blurt out, "Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?
This is actually a good column, but it annoyed me. Bear that in mind.
Finally, we have the 3rd Point/Counterpoint column of the 2000s, with the promising title “My Computer Totally Hates Me! vs. God, Do I Hate That Bitch.” Look, I love anthropomorphizing as much as anyone, so I was excited to see the Dell Dimension 4100 get a full column to rant.
There are some good complaints from the Dell about using Control-Alt-Delete and not unplugging the computer every time there’s a problem. But there’s a bunch of problematic language, and the Dell comes off perhaps more unhinged and sociopathic than The Onion intended. I don’t think we’re supposed to sympathize with Vicki Helmholz and maybe even worry for her safety
Most “Hey, it’s 2000!” reference
Many strong references this week, but I can’t ignore this section from “Maybe I Can Impress Her With My Holy Grail Quotes”:
Once you have been won over, I will bring you back to my parents' luxuriously appointed basement, where I shall show you all of the edited Grail footage from the 7th Level CD-ROM game.
…
If this were not enough, I shall also show you my VHS dub of the extras from the Criterion laserdisc of the film.
Was Bill Clinton mentioned? Was an animal quoted?
Clinton gives a great display of moping and listlessness, and I love that he seemingly has no idea Gore and Hillary are running for office — he wonders why Gore and Joe Lieberman are hanging out so much.
No animal quotes, but kudos to the Dell Dimension 4100 for getting a column.
What was the best horoscope?
Many candidates this week, including yet more references to Yugoslavia and the Catholic Church, but I’ll go with Gemini:
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You've lost your enthusiasm, but you're unsure if it was "damped" or "dampened."
What holds up best?
I’m not sure this week. I really like “Teen Lands Job With Fortune 500 Company,” but I also read and edit business news every day, so this is really familiar writing for me.
Maybe churchgoers reading this feel “Area Pastor Likes To Inject A Little Humor Into His Sermons” still works in 2020? Let me know.
What holds up worst?
In 2020, The Onion’s coverage of the Green Party feels silly considering that Nader tipped Florida and thus the election, but I hardly think The Onion should have 1. realized this, and 2. focused coverage on it.
I’ll go with “Christina Aguilera Deeply Offended By Plate Of Iceberg Lettuce,” which couldn’t have been that funny 20 years ago and is meaningless now.
What would be done differently today?
Election coverage, obviously!
The Onion’s media criticism rears its head yet again (as I’ve written recently), but any take on CNN would look different today, for sure.
I imagine there’s room for a story like “Network Executive Cancels Show After Ruining It In Development,” but it would probably focus on Netflix or something.
What real-life events/people were mentioned?
Jack Greenberg. Bill Clinton. Lawrence Summers. Socks. Madeleine Albright. Al Gore. Joe Lieberman. Hillary Clinton. Helmut Kohl. Margaret Thatcher. Lyndon Johnson. Richard Nixon. Ralph Nader. St. Christopher. Jon Lovitz. Gregory Hines. Slobodan Milosevic. Vojislav Kostunica. Michael Palin. Susan Sarandon. Meat Loaf. Christina Aguilera. Massimo Bordi. Dante. Elian Gonzalez. Dalai Lama. Susan Bunda. Ted Turner. Natalie Allen. Bob Furnad. Thomas Pynchon. J.D. Salinger.
Greenberg was McDonald’s CEO from 1999-2002 and is quoted in “Teen Lands Job With Fortune 500 Company.”
Summers, Socks the Cat, Albright, Gore, Lieberman, Kohl, Thatcher, Johnson and Nixon are all mentioned in “Clinton Suffering From Senioritis, White House Sources Say.” Socks died in 2009, just shy of 20 years old. Johnson is credited with inventing Presidential Skip Day.
Nader is quoted in “Green Party Official Caught Embezzling Campaign Funds For Dime Bag” as saying “the cashbox money is not for weed."
St. Christopher was a martyr during the pre-Christian Roman Empire and is the patron saint of travelers, hence the joke in “St. Christopher Statue Embedded In Motorist's Forehead.”
“Upheaval In Yugoslavia” is about Milosevic handing over power in Yugoslavia to Kostunica 20 years ago, and Kostunica later became Serbia prime minister.
Palin, a member of Monty Python, is mentioned in “Maybe I Can Impress Her With My Holy Grail Quotes,” while Sarandon and Meat Loaf are in the “Rocky Horror” infographic.
Aguilera is in the forgettable photo-only “Christina Aguilera Deeply Offended By Plate Of Iceberg Lettuce.”
Bordi is apparently a famous Italian engineer mentioned in the horoscopes, which also feature Middle Ages poet Dante.
Bunda, Allen and Furnad are just a few of the people mentioned in “CNN Still Releasing News Piled Up During Elián González Saga.” It’s rather unusual that The Onion named real-life executives in Bunda and Furnad — usually quotes from executives are fake names.
What was happening in the real world?
Here are real-world news events from Oct. 2-8, 2000, keeping in mind The Onion’s production schedule was a few days ahead of its publishing date. The news is pulled from InfoPlease and the front pages of The New York Times (subscription required):
Bush-Gore, Lieberman-Cheney debates held. NYT previews boring Supreme Court agenda. Congress reaches deals on drunken-driving legislation, expanding visas, anti-trafficking. Sotheby's CEO pleads guilty to price-fixing. Protests, court action in Yugoslavia culminate in Milosevic’s departure. Colleges stop talking about drinking so much. N.Y. country restrict cellphone use in vehicles. Israeli-Palestinian fighting continues as peace talks fail. Study suggests racial profiling by NYC police unit. Hockey player Marty McSorley gets probation in on-ice attack. FCC ends key parts of Fairness Doctrine. UN announces war crimes tribunal for Sierra Leone. Germany marks 10 years since reunification. Library of Congress gets $60 million donation (Editor’s note: The Onion’s CNN story has a photo that includes the headline “Library of Congress demolition.”)
