20 years ago, The Onion taunted Bin Laden and Michael Jackson
We also learn about church bake sales, Yale-Harvard, the brand-new Segway and a man's exquisite CD liner notes
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Dec. 12, 2001.
Last week, I said this was the last issue of 2001. But I completely forgot about the issue from Dec. 19, 2001. I’ve been working a lot and also trying to move in 6 days, so let’s blame that. So you get me for one more week.
What issue is this?
This was Vol. 37, Issue 45, the 85th Onion issue of the 2000s and the 84th issue of new content. Here’s what the website looked like in 2001, 2011 and today.
The 2011 website has an advertisement for The Onion’s dating service, which was real!
As in past weeks, The Onion’s website in 2001 continued to link to the 9/11 issue.
The front-page headlines are no longer online, or they lack their images. They are:
“Camera Falls Out Of Love With Melanie Griffith”
“401K Enrollment Form Sits At Bottom Of Desk Drawer For 22 Years”
“Retarded Couple In Mall Spitting At Each Other”
“Ferret Mailed”
We had a nice spectrum of 2001-era Onion content in these headlines: Celebrity observational humor; the factual statement that is both funny and tragic; the incredibly out-of-date, cruel joke; and an absurdity that is one heck of a mental image.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
In 2001, America was optimistic about quickly finding Osama Bin Laden and winning in Afghanistan.
The Onion offers that rosy view, mixed with some (accidental?) foresight about the slog we’d actually experience, in this week’s top story: “Starving, Bandaged Bin Laden Offers U.S. One Last Chance To Surrender.”
This is the most rah-rah War on Terror headline The Onion had run in many weeks. That said, the article itself is more nuanced. Yes, Bin Laden sounds delusional, but even as The Onion makes fun of the Taliban’s scattered, ill-equipped forces, we see in 2021 a hint of how difficult a guerrilla war would be in mountainous, unfamiliar terrain.
Meanwhile, The Onion is fully jaded about Donald Rumsfeld, who is mocked for his lack of curiosity and self-awareness, somewhat like he was in October 2001’s “Freedoms Curtailed In Defense Of Liberty.” Here is Rumsfeld on the search for Bin Laden:
"It's not yet clear where bin Laden was," Rumsfeld added, "but he seemed to be speaking from some sort of gigantic, bombed-out litter box."
Asked if he had considered or listened to the content of bin Laden's message, Rumsfeld said, "Why, no."
The other story about an internationally famous figure this week was “Michael Jackson Deposed As King Of Pop In Hitless Coup,” which I remembered but thought was much earlier. In other words, I remembered MJ being past his prime years before 2001.
The Onion notes that the final straw for Jackson was the failure of September 2001’s “You Rock My World” to get higher than No. 10 on the Billboard Hot 100. This was actually Jackson’s last top-10 hit while alive, so The Onion was correct in deposing him.
9/11 and the War on Terror
Besides Bin Laden, we have the short article “Nuclear-Bomb Instructions Found In Pentagon,” which is a reaction to the post-9/11 worry about who might possess or be developing nuclear weapons.
A recurring Onion story was profiling Mideast violence, and this week people on the street were asked about “More Mideast Violence.” Jokes about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict get repetitive, and it’s weird to joke about suicide bombings, but better The Onion than us amateurs trying to do so.
Two notable things about this one:
It has an answer from a “systems analyst,” an inside joke at The Onion — there are over 2,300 Google results for that phrase on The Onion’s site.
That answer is a 9/11 reference that seems like a cathartic bit of dark humor:
"It's nice to see senseless religious violence back where it belongs."
Isaac Dunham • Systems Analyst
This response has stuck in my head for 20 years for some reason. I like that it’s an architect proposing the idea:
"Maybe someday they'll take my advice and put a huge lid on the entire region—just as soon as lid technology becomes sufficiently advanced."
Paul Bergen • Architect
Area People doing Area Things
This issue is heavy on The Onion’s clever skewering of local newspapers and of ordinary people’s foibles. Both genres are represented in “All Seven Deadly Sins Committed At Church Bake Sale.”
There are 347 individual sins committed, and The Onion quickly runs through key examples of the seven deadly sins, such as Connie Barrett’s braggadocio about her baking and avarice in betting on her sales potential. Meanwhile, baking rival Penny Cox commits multiple sins while trying to outsell and undermine Barrett.
Read the whole thing — it’s a great example of humanity’s petty nature, even when people are gathered for a good cause.
20-year-old redhead Melissa Wyckoff also comes in for lustful stares and jealous criticism for being young, attractive and wearing a red dress.
The most common event in this story, besides baked goods being sold, is gossip:
"Bake sales, haunted houses, pancake breakfasts… such church events are rife with potential for sin," Coyle said. "This year, we had to eliminate the 'Guess Your Weight' booth from the annual church carnival because the envy and pride had gotten so out of hand. Church events are about glorifying God, not violating His word. If you want to do that, you're no better than that cheap strumpet Melissa Wyckoff."
Reminders that I was in college in 2001
I was a first-semester freshman 20 years ago, living in a freshman-only dorm. And so I wish I remembered stories like “Crazy Japanese Punk Girl Delights Entire Dorm Floor” and how I reacted then.
In 2021, however, my first reaction to this sort of Onion story is, “Oh God, is this going to be hilarious or regrettable?” The answer usually depends on who is being made fun of — is it this Japanese punk girl or her dormmates?
Thankfully, this is actually a nice story — almost not funny enough! — about Misako Takashima of Concordia College, a foreign student who seems to be the most popular person in her entire dorm.
The article notes her eccentricities and boundless energy, but that seems more like an indictment of how boring these Minnesota kids are. I guess that’s the joke — I’m sorry, it’s a nice read, but I didn’t really laugh.
While most Concordia students take pains to seem mature, Takashima is unafraid to embrace her whimsical side: She makes chalk drawings on the sidewalk, puts on impromptu puppet shows, and takes pictures of her dormmates' bare feet and tapes them to her door.
One criticism: I don’t like that The Onion quoted her with slightly off English. It’s one thing to (potentially) hear it in person, another to transcribe it that way.
Another big thing 20 years ago was burning CDs. In fact, as I am preparing to move, I just threw out some CDs I burned at least 12-13 years ago, maybe 20! And so that leads us to “Area Man Proud Of Liner Notes To Self-Burned Compilation CD,” which also reminds me I’m lazy — I’ve never written liner notes to a burned CD.
Josh McCue, though — he made an entire booklet! He is a liquor store clerk and plays this mix regularly while on shift, although he sounds slightly disappointed that no one’s asked him about it.
God, this is a time capsule:
The 22-track CD, titled Opium Of The Masses, features an eclectic mix of music that McCue dryly describes as "your typical elitist hipster fare." The liner notes offer a wealth of information on the bands, which range from The Soledad Brothers to Six Finger Satellite, as well as McCue's own "personal history" with the music.
Using the graphic-design programs Adobe Photoshop and Adobe Illustrator, McCue painstakingly spent 15 hours laying out what eventually became an eight-page CD booklet.
There are several quotes from McCue about different songs and moods on the CD. There’s also a sequel in the mix.
This story is so well-written because I really dislike this guy’s whole vibe, and I had to remind myself that he’s not real.
Other Area People stories:
“Laid-Off Website Designer Designs Website About Being Laid Off”: This story isn’t outdated, technically, but it’s a reminder that only 20 years ago, social media still didn’t exist and websites were king. I did learn that PayPal already existed, though!
"Visitors can read my online job-hunt diary, watch Flash animation of me sitting around in my underwear watching TV, or Paypal me a 'donation,'" Trabert said.
“Yalie Strikes Harvard Lad Sharply About The Face And Neck” is an all-time classic, from the headline to the names William Vanderploeg and Randolph Stephenson to the fight being about crew. It’s also written in a ridiculous posh manner, with Vanderploeg calling Stephenson a “vainglorious braggart.”
“Area Woman Insists On Helping Coworker Through Personal Crisis”: I recently read a work advice column where the letter-writer complained that they had tried to be a helpful listener to a co-worker’s personal problems, but unfortunately, that co-worker now thought of them as a friend and confidante. This story is the opposite:
"She's already lent me three different books on coping with change and overcoming loss. What do I have to do to make her understand that I don't want an ear to bend or a shoulder to lean on?”
Were the infographics good?
The Segway was a big deal, but less than 20 years later, the weird scooter is passe and Segway itself makes its money from other products.
The Onion doesn’t distinguish itself here, mostly relying on jokes about the Segway being for nerds and being a “gay” product. Yup, it’s another reminder that The Onion (and most other comedy back then) used to throw that word around when they didn’t have a real joke.
I have never used a Segway, although when I first moved to D.C., I would often see the Segway tours go by my bus stop after work.
On the other hand, “Least Anticipated Sequels” is dumb but deliberately so. “101 Dalmatians 2: 103 Dalmatians” sounds scarily like a direct-to-video sequel, while the mind shudders at what “Pearl Harbor 2K2” would have been like.
“Schindler’s List And A Little Lady” is a riff on “Three Men and a Little Lady,” the less successful sequel to “Three Men And A Baby.”
What columnists ran?
“Honey, I Said Some Things I Didn't Mean To Say Out Loud” is another of The Onion’s genre of columns that say the quiet parts loudest.
Our columnist is sort of apologizing for the things he’s said, but the apology is mostly retelling all the mean things while regretting only that he vocalized them — not the feelings themselves. Here’s one representative passage:
I know how much my words have stung and, believe me, I'm truly sorry. Instead of taking them out on you, I should have bottled them up and screamed them into the mirror while you were away at your stupid shrink. That's what I pay him $300 an hour for, right?
The other column is by a guy with much more self-awareness, our regular columnist Jim Anchower! “Winterized!” opens, as it often did, with a hello in Spanish and an acknowledgement that “it's been a long time since I rapped at ya.”
The good news is that Anchower finally has kept the same job for multiple columns, as he’s still working at California Fajita Cantina. The bad news is that he has a lingering cold that he got while going 10 miles out of town to a 2-for-1 Miller Genuine Draft special at Paddy O'Surly's Olde Tyme Irish Pub.
Long story short, Anchower talks tough to some roughnecks, his buddies Ron and Wes don’t back him up, and the night ends early. Not only that, but Anchower lost his keys. He ends up sleeping outside — surely getting the cold — and only upon waking up does he remember he has a spare key.
This is not the most amazing Anchower column, but it’s on point and on brand for the character.
Most “Hey, it’s 2001!” reference
Anchower has the disgusting idea of taking pictures of the phlegm he’s been coughing up, but can’t. Why?
“I thought about taking pictures of them, but I don't have a camera.”
Thank goodness that cameras weren’t ubiquitous back then.
What was the best horoscope?
There are a lot of fun horoscopes this week, including a reference to Car and Driver’s actual August 2001 magazine cover, but I’m going with Pisces. I want to know much more about this:
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
No one at the hospital will be able to convince you that, defending its territory or not, the alpaca didn't have the whole thing planned in advance.
What holds up best?
Many of The Onion’s classics benefit from being keen, funny observations about the human condition, which helps them endure through the passage of time, changes in culture and technology, and so on.
“All Seven Deadly Sins Committed At Church Bake Sale” is such an example. It’s sharp, detailed and doesn’t assume you’ve memorized the seven sins.
What holds up worst?
This issue has some strong humor, but a lot of it holds up poorly in 2021. The Bin Laden story feels a bit silly today, even though it’s not badly written or offensive. History just overtook this one.
What would be done differently today?
A lot of these stories — or the story ideas — would be relevant today, even if the specifics would need a lot of updated. Of course, I don’t want to discount the offensive word usages that would never run now.
Today’s Onion is more focused on real-life news, and it must be updated constantly. As I look at the website on Dec. 11, 2021, there is an item about Kellogg’s, where a strike is ongoing. And there are 2 stories about the Better.com video layoffs (one set at Mrs. Fields).
That said, there are also stories like “Aging Stalker Not Sure How Many Good Years Of Crouching In Bushes He Has Left” that would fit in any era of The Onion.
See you next week, and hopefully I’ll be properly moved by then.