20 years ago, The Onion talked about pickelhaube, Arsenio Hall and Dr. Seuss
2 weeks after Bush-Gore civil war, The Onion returned to its regular programming of local columnists, death-related paperwork and cursive writing.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from exactly 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Nov. 27, 2000.
Hope y’all are enjoying a long Thanksgiving weekend. This week, we return to The Onion, which did not serialize its “Nation Plunges Into Chaos” story line from Nov. 15, 2000. Instead, we have a locally focused, quirky issue with relatively few real-life people and lots of turn-of-the-century nostalgia.
As always, please like and share this email — it’s the best way to let people know about The Onion: 20 Years Later! And if you’re new here, sign up directly below.
What issue is this?
This was Vol. 36, Issue 43, the 41st published Onion issue of the 2000s and the 40th issue of new content.
Here’s what the website (kind of) looked like in 2000, as well as in 2010 and today.
Two stories were published in 2000 but aren’t on today’s Issue 43 homepage:
Not covered in this recap is “Brightly Colored Uniforms Boost Employee Morale,” which was printed in Issue 43 but originally published in 1999.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
In 2000, politicians were worried about coarse and vulgar pop culture, especially around music (Eminem, Marilyn Manson, et al) but also around TV and movies. Reality TV was just emerging with “Survivor” and Fox’s ill-fated “Who Wants To Marry A Multi Millionaire,” both of which The Onion wrote about. And Tipper Gore was back in the news, and she was notable in the 1980s for leading the fight against vulgarity in music and other pop culture.
So, with all of that as background, it makes sense that The Onion led with “Teen Exposed To Violence, Profanity, Adult Situations By Family,” which inverted the fearful messaging about pop culture to remind us that our homes can be nightmares, too. The Onion takes the extra step of having this message delivered by the Family Research Council, a real-life group, and the cultural critic and political commentator Michael Medved.
The Arnott family’s bad behaviors, and what their 15-year-old is exposed to, are well-detailed by The Onion, as is the outrage from a congressman and local neighbors, who want warning labels placed on the Arnott home (much like ratings for TV shows and parental advisory stickers for CDs):
"We challenge the Arnotts to get serious about the vital role they play in shaping America's culture," said U.S. Rep. Steve Largent (R-OK), who has proposed legislation requiring warning labels on non-family-friendly families. …
Following Largent's lead, concerned Brownsville residents are calling for the placement of a parental-advisory sticker on the Arnotts' front door which warns that interaction with the family is not recommended for children 16 or younger.
These are definitely 1990s/2000 issues of the day, even though TV and music labels still exist, as do the FRC and Medved. This shows the staying power of the article, even if it’s probably not as funny and relevant as it was in 2000.
The most 2020 aspect of this story? Trying to boycott a brand and/or get someone fired (also, this is yet another Onion mention of an industrial employer):
In addition, locals have petitioned Cat Marine Machine Tooling, Skowron's employer, to fire the man, threatening to withdraw their patronage if the shop continues to "endorse the deplorable actions in Beth's home by keeping Mr. Skowron on the payroll."
Election roundup
The Onion continued to cover the ongoing Bush-Gore saga in this issue, although it reflected real-world events rather than the fantasia of the last issue.
We have the evergreen classic “Man Who Threatened To Move To Canada Before Election Still Here” and the also-familiar “Abolish The Electoral College?” where The Onion asked people on the street what they thought. I enjoyed this answer:
"I'm all for getting rid of the electoral college, but wouldn't that mean we'd have to dig up Samuel J. Tilden and make him president retroactively?"
Tom Kallen • Optometrist
There’s also a misdirection in the horoscopes, in what at first sounds like an item about Bush or Gore floating Cabinet names but turns out to be about … cabinets:
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
The "arrogance and hubris" you display by choosing a cabinet is noted to the press by your spouse, who has not yet decided if the two of you are getting a new kitchen.
Hollywood gossip
Onion stories like “Hollywood Diet Secrets Fall Into Non-Celebrity Hands” are favorites of mine, because they turn a mundane topic into conspiracy. This especially works with something like “diet secrets,” which are breathlessly billed as something “they” don’t want you to know about.
The Onion simply takes the infomercial 100% seriously, adding in a worried quote from Julia Roberts. Who leaked these diet secrets? Those hallmark journalistic outlets The National Enquirer and Weekly World News.
Also in Hollywood news is “Arsenio Hall Writers Still Keeping In Touch,” which is about a show that went off the air more than 6 years earlier. What’s today’s equivalent? If The Onion in early 2021 runs a story about “The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson.” Sadly, all the Arsenio writer names appear to be fake.
Area People doing Area Things
This issue returns The Onion, temporarily, to a small-town newspaper rather than a national political chronicler. As such we have a lot of fun little stories.
“Third-Grader Awaits Lesson For Cursive G” reminds me that writing certain cursive letters, especially the odd capital letters like “G” and “Z,” is becoming more difficult as I age and write longhand less often. I have to really think about what I’m writing.
I empathize with Karen Werner, whose daughter, Abigail, is the one worried about the letter “G”:
"Abigail's really excited about that G," Werner said. "She had to go to the dentist yesterday but refused to until I called Mrs. Honig to make sure the class wouldn't be learning G that day. They were only reviewing the vowels, thank goodness."
"I'd teach Abigail the rest of the letters myself, but, to be honest, I don't even remember how a lot of them look anymore," Werner added. "I couldn't make a capital Q to save my life."
As someone who lives in Washington, D.C., and thus got rid of my car years back, I really love “Report: 98 Percent Of U.S. Commuters Favor Public Transportation For Others,” which is barely parody. There are many quotes like this below, all emphasizing the personal responsibility other people should be taking:
"Expanding mass transit isn't just a good idea, it's a necessity," Holland said. "My drive to work is unbelievable. I spend more than two hours stuck in 12 lanes of traffic. It's about time somebody did something to get some of these other cars off the road."
We also have “Running Shoes Used Mainly For Computer Programming,” which is a sufficient one-liner but also comes with this blurry photograph.
Here are some other favorites from this week’s issue:
“Food Critic's Wife Makes The Best Lasagna She Possibly Can” is appropriately harsh, as poor Fran’s lasagna is doomed to disappoint her critic-husband, just like her “chicken marsala, veal schnitzel, and lemon chiffon cake.”
“Death Results In Great Deal Of Paperwork” reminds us that bureaucracy waits for no one. The daughter laments that Bea Wexler died in Arizona, “where the probate process can take months."
“Employee Worries Coworker's Computer Screen May Be Larger” is a simple distillation of petty jealousy. Surprisingly, this is at least the 3rd mention of Java or JavaScript by The Onion, after “America Online To Build Three Million Home Pages For The Homeless” and “Microsoft Patents Ones, Zeroes,” both from 1998.
Were the infographics good?
Dr. Seuss was big 20 years ago, including the movie “How The Grinch Stole Christmas.” I don’t remember any of this, possibly because I was 17 and thus the age least likely to care about Dr. Seuss. The Onion tackled this important movie with two items: the photo and headline “Another Fond Childhood Memory Destroyed” and the infographic “Seussmania.”
This is pretty humorous, if not mind-blowing, I think? Also, I like Jim Carrey, but “It was raining, so there was nothing to do but see Jim Carrey movie” feels very accurate.
I was worried that the other infographic, “Top Obsessive-Compulsive Disorders,” would be horrible to read in 2020. These jokes are not nearly as bad as I expected, even if The Onion would not repeat a list of OCD jokes in 2020. Hooray for low expectations!
What columnists ran?
As many of you have realized, I enjoy Onion publisher emeritus T. Herman Zweibel’s bizarre columns more than most people. I especially enjoy him when he’s an anachronistic crank, rather than just being an ass. This week’s column, “Mockery,” has both elements.
The good part? Zweibel’s column has been hacked by teenagers who broke into his study and used his linotype machine. Here’s a sample of their mockery:
I am T. Herman Zweibel, the world's most boring person! I am older than Jesus! Remember the War Of 1812? I do, because I'm so old! Hey, Standish, give me an enema!
The bad part? Zweibel’s responses are more angry than funny. The lone passage of his I’d recommend is this one (pickelhaube being a Prussian spiked helmet):
Stop it! Stop it! You're wearing out the italics! Standish, look what these youths are doing! Oh! They just spilled India ink all over my precious codicils! And look at that one over there, wearing that beautiful waste-paper basket on his head like a pickelhaube!
We also have recurring Onion columnist Jean Teasdale, back with her 6th column of 2000: “It'll Be A Blue Christmas Without Stuff.”
Unfortunately, she’s drowning in credit card debt, can’t get more hours at Fashion Bug because of her boss’ favoritism toward friends, isn’t speaking with her family, and her husband is still a manipulative jerk to her. Same old sad tales for Jean.
Teasdale also shares the many items she wishes to buy. I get it — so many of us look to purchases to help us through tough times. Jean’s tale is relevant and real, perhaps just not the most joyous to read.
Finally, we also have “I Am Refreshingly Open About My Personal Life,” which is a classic tale of the oversharer in your life. For example:
You see, unlike some people, I'm honest enough with myself to admit that I have problems. And, as part of my healthy attitude, I'm comfortable letting everyone in on them. Sometimes, it takes hours of explanation to really get to the heart of things, but my friends, coworkers, and fellow Food Lion shoppers are worth it.
There’s a lot of sex stuff in that column. And a carjacking gone wrong. Just warning you.
Most “Hey, it’s 2000!” reference
I will give this to Jean Teasdale, who in her column drops his gem:
For example, I just know there's a DVD player out there with my name on it. Have you seen these things? They're amazing! They can squeeze an entire movie onto a single CD!
Was Bill Clinton mentioned? Was an animal quoted?
Nothing for Clinton. Such a letdown after last week’s “Clinton Declares Self President for Life.”
However, we have a talking animal! “Lab Rabbit Strongly Recommends Cover Girl Waterproof Mascara For Sensitive Eyes” is heavily reliant on quotes from Procter & Gamble lab rabbit LR-4427, who has high praise for Cover Girl Long & Luscious waterproof mascara.
You can learn about all its qualities and even see this rabbit wearing the product.
LR-4427 is quite the workhorse, as is demanded by the sprawling P&G empire:
LR-4427 then returned to work, where he is finishing up testing a new aloe-scented exfoliating scrub before being reassigned to Procter & Gamble's small-arms ammunition division.
What better endorsement could you get than from the animal who tested the product? This is like the Hair Club for Men commercials, where the guy says, “I’m not only the Hair Club president, I’m also a client.”
What was the best horoscope?
I found Gemini to be amusing in this week’s horoscopes:
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You find yourself with a career in academia when a banana peel puts you in the physics, comedy, and medical textbooks.
What holds up best?
I think “Running Shoes Used Mainly For Computer Programming” has only become more relevant, and could also be applied to “influencing,” “streaming” or “podcasting.” But it’s just a headline and photo.
The story that holds up best to me is “Man Who Threatened To Move To Canada Before Election Still Here,” because every election cycle seems to highlight a few people, mostly celebrities, who are ready to move away. And yet, they rarely do.
What holds up worst?
Probably T. Herman Zweibel’s column. He’s so out of context nowadays, especially if you haven’t been reading him regularly.
What would be done differently today?
OCD would probably not be the subject of jokes, and the election aftermath would not be dropped so quickly, especially as the Supreme Court case Bush v. Gore was not heard and decided until 2 weeks later.
What real-life events/people were mentioned?
Arsenio Hall. Craig Kilborn. Julia Roberts. Samuel J. Tilden. Ronald Reagan. Patrick Swayze. “How The Grinch Stole Christmas.” Jim Carrey. Theodor Geisel. Kenneth Connor. Michael Medved. Steve Largent.
Kilborn’s CBS late-night show is mentioned in passing in “Arsenio Hall Writers Still Keeping In Touch.”
Reagan is mentioned in passing in “Man Who Threatened To Move To Canada Before Election Still Here.”
Swayze is mentioned as a prime reason to get a DVD player in Jean Teasdale’s column “It'll Be A Blue Christmas Without Stuff.”
Connor, named president of the Family Research Council in September 2000, is quoted in “Teen Exposed To Violence, Profanity, Adult Situations By Family.”
What was happening in the real world?
Here are real-world news events from Nov. 13-26, 2000, stopping a few days early to account for the lead time The Onion needed to print and ship a newspaper.
New feature this week! I’ve added the top show, movie, song and album for additional context as to what culture was like 20 years ago. The other news items are pulled from InfoPlease and the front pages of The New York Times (subscription required):
Florida Supreme Court rules against Gore after weeks of recounts, court fights. Amtrak introduces Acela Express trains. Dick Cheney has heart attack. Clinton visits Vietnam. Coca-Cola settles racial bias claims at a cost of almost $200 million. Climate negotiations hit sticking points. Peru names interim president. NYT discovers emails can be tracked. China agrees to UN human rights rules. Putin forces media mogul to cede assets. SEC, Big 4 agree to conflict-of-interest rules. Big Pharma compiles data on doctors. Russia to send Mir space station into the ocean. NYT profiles companies refusing to pay taxes.
Top movie (weekend of Nov. 22-26): “How the Grinch Stole Christmas”
Top TV show (Nov. 20-26): “ER”
Billboard top single (Nov. 25): “Independent Women Part 1,” Destiny’s Child
Billboard top album (Nov. 25): “tp-2.com,” R. Kelly