20 years ago, The Onion shared sexy Halloween costumes ... and Al Gore
The Onion also talks about disliked co-workers, a teen "discovering" Led Zeppelin, people confused about Spanish vs. Mexican food, and a Pokémon-named dog
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from exactly 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Oct. 31, 2001.
The Onion is owned in 2021 by a company called G/O Media, which has deleted all images from before 2019 across its websites. So, remember the 9/11 front cover that I linked to just weeks ago? It’s now a blank page.
How does this image problem affect this newsletter? Well, I’ll be relying more on the Internet Archive for photos and infographics. Thankfully, I download all images I include, so you’ll still be able to view them.
Also, does this mean I’m now … kind of … an archivist? Amazing.
New here? Welcome, and consider signing up for a weekly dose of The Onion’s history.
What issue is this?
This was Vol. 37, Issue 39, the 80th Onion issue of the 2000s and the 79th issue of new content. Here’s what the website looked like in 2001,2011 and today.
The front-page headline “Monster Truck Chased Down By Torch-Wielding Regular Trucks” is no longer online. That’s a good joke, even if I admit to needing a few seconds to get it.
As in past weeks, The Onion’s website in 2001 continued to link to the 9/11 issue.
For me, I like that this article acknowledges real life — the fresh wounds of the 2000 election battle and Gore’s subsequent low profile. To that, The Onion adds this fictional Al Gore who lives out his days in deep delusion.
Gore is fully immersed in this alternate reality, so much so that he can comfort the nation while also completing routine tasks like shaving:
"We have, in recent days, seen tragedy and infamy on a scale equal to any in American history," said a proud, defiant Gore as he shaved. "Yet we have also seen heroism and selflessness on a scale equal to any in human history."
Gore, who last week pretended to pledge an additional $1.5 billion in federal aid to New York City, then switched off his razor and pulled out his toothbrush.
Gore’s family members, including then-wife Tipper, are delicately supportive, careful not to puncture his bubble — he’s given 16(!) of these speeches. Gore carries the presidential fever dream further, naming his cats Simba and Stripe as “top advisors” and appointing his housekeeper as “secretary of state.”
This early Photoshopping below is something to behold:
Gore confers with top advisors Simba and Stripe.
The Onion does a good job here of staying connected to current events while taking a break from what, at the time, probably felt like relentless coverage of President George W. Bush.
The Onion was in a groove of covering post-9/11 news while not forgetting its Area Man coverage.
20 years ago, the anthrax threat was still real, and The Onion asked regular folks about “Fear of Mail.”
It’s not easy to make good comedy out of an ongoing threat, but this is a great attempt. One person is afraid of Verizon’s letters, for example, another person suggests writing “Return to Sender” on anthrax letters, and a third person is worried because they are “the owner of America's third-largest mail-order baking-soda distributorship.”
And then we have this old-timey sight gag, reworked for Anthrax 2001:
“To think that just a short time ago, the biggest worry in opening your mail was that a package might contain a spring-propelled boxing glove that knocked you unconscious.”
As someone who watched “Spin City” (a very weird show to revisit today, BTW), I loved this line:
Next week, Spin City, which last month pulled an episode featuring a shot of the World Trade Center, will air a "very special" one-hour episode in which Mayor Winston is infected with anthrax.
Finally, this infographic “Increasing NYC Tourism,”where if you click on the link you can see a 2001 Audible.com ad and an option for downloading a PDF of the infographic.
This might be the first NYC-centric item The Onion made as true New Yorkers. I really enjoyed it as someone who grew up in Connecticut and saw every NYC advertisement on TV for 18 years — the “I ❤ NY” ads, the New York Lottery’s “Hey, You Never Know” ads, the Chuck Schumer-Al D’Amato Senate race ads, the “Cats” ads, and much more.
Area People doing Area Things
The departing Mooney (center) is surrounded by indifferent coworkers.
We have a trio of excellent, full-length articles this week that remain relevant 20 years later.
First, “Awkward Farewells Exchanged On Disliked Coworker's Last Day,” which reminds me of how goodbyes have changed for many people in the pandemic. Several of my co-workers have left without in-person goodbyes, which has been sad, but I was also happy not to do awkward small talk with 1 or 2 departed colleagues.
Look at that photo. Is that hell on Earth or what? I do feel somewhat bad for Paula Mooney, who may or may not be quitting to move to Texas with her boyfriend. She seems less awful and more awkward?
Another employee who exchanged banal pleasantries with Mooney was receptionist Alana Hodge, 22. According to Hodge, Mooney was "her usual strange self."
"She asked me if her old phone extension was going to be retired," Hodge said. "I said we'd probably just give it to whoever takes her place. Then I asked her why she was asking. After this awkward silence, she explained that she was joking, saying she was such a legend, her extension would be retired. I was like, 'Oh.'"
(I don’t even have a phone number at work anymore.)
The Zeppelin-loving Campa.
“Teen Who Just Discovered Led Zeppelin Starting To Piss Off Friends” feels pretty timeless, too, as even today, there must be teens discovering Zeppelin and countless other older acts. This article is wonderfully detailed with the many ways Mark Campa is both obsessed with Zeppelin and obsessed with having everyone else know about it.
In addition to naming his '91 Prelude the "Honda Of The Holy" and renaming his cat of four years "Bonzo" as an homage to late Led Zeppelin drummer John "Bonzo" Bonham, Campa has irritated friends with his constant barrage of Led Zeppelin trivia.
The bright side is that Zeppelin is not the most annoying band of the 1960s and 1970s.
Added Eglund: "It could be worse, I guess. He could've gotten into the Grateful Dead. Or Floyd. Just imagine if he walked around all day quoting Dark Side Of The Moon. Christ."
The Spanish restaurant accidentally patronized by the taco-loving Mangurten (inset) and his wife.
Telephone repairman Bob Mangurten and wife Debra are flabbergasted by the two countries and cuisines, and especially by the lack of tacos and quesadillas. The Onion works in a reference to Chi-Chi’s, a restaurant most famously seen in 1998’s “Office Pariah Not Invited To Chi-Chi's Happy-Hour Get-Together.”
I like this article because while it’s understandable that someone might not know the intricacies of different cultural cuisines, this couple is aggressively ignorant. Like, thinking Don Quixote is the universal symbol of Mexico, or Debra ordering paella because she thought she heard it on “Seinfeld”?
To top it off, there’s this quote from a friend:
"I took them to a great Szechuan place, and they were upset about it not having sweet-and-sour chicken or chow mein," Brulley said. "I told them that's Cantonese style, and that this was authentic Szechuan. They looked at me like I was from China. I don't think they realize different parts of a country have different styles of dishes. They certainly don't realize that countries that speak the same language don't always have the same food."
Other Area People stories included:
“Parents Regret Letting Child Name Dog”: I like that the parents are mostly upset that Hitmontop is not even a dog name. Pokémon was passé then and kind of is now? With apologies to the several people I know still chasing Pokémons or whatever.
“House Haunted By Elks Club Members” is a very 20th-century joke that could have also been about the Lions Club or Kiwanis or Knights of Columbus.
“Hank Williams Jr. Honored By Institute For Football Preparedness” is a great joke that only requires you to know him as this guy.
Were the infographics good?
I’m not saying “Top Halloween Costumes, Women 18-34” is a positive message, but it’s a good parody of our society’s idea that “sexy” is the most important part of a Halloween costume.
You may have a run in your pantyhose, and the floor of your car may be covered with a week's worth of Styrofoam coffee cups, but you shouldn't be a frowny Frank. Keep that chin up, and remember that our country has more than 1.3 million military personnel on active duty and the most advanced weapons systems on Earth. That should turn anyone's frown upside down.
There’s also this factoid, which is meant as a brag but is considered bad in today’s eco-conscious world:
Did you know that the U.S. makes up only 4 percent of the world's population, yet we have one third of its automobiles and consume one-quarter of its energy supply? Keep that in mind the next time you get passed over for that big promotion at work!
The column itself is decent, but I couldn’t stop thinking about how many of the details have shifted.
We also have “This Marriage-Counseling Scam Is A Real Moneymaker” which I loved because — maybe not a surprise to y’all — I am a curmudgeon and think people view therapists as magical healers. And I like any Onion column in which the protagonist is either blissfully clueless or is the one running the scam.
To be fair, our columnist got a master’s degree, did the reading and passed the certification exams. But after all that hard work comes the easy part:
Basically, all you do is sit there and listen. I'm serious! A good 75 percent of my "job" is listening as some miserable husband-and-wife team drones on about their problems. Every once in a while, you say something like, "Well, what are some things Don could do to make you feel like he appreciates you?" Or, "Don, did you even know Wendy felt this way?" The rest of the time, it's just keep the eyes open, nod, and cash the checks.
The most important part of the scam is to make them repeating customers, forever giving you $200 an hour. For a 2021 twist, our writer shares a story of helping a married couple who both work at home, where they feel they have no alone time or independence.
OK, that satisfied my inner cynic for the week.
Most “Hey, it’s 2001!” reference
The front-page headline about Hank Williams Jr. recalls a simpler time when the nation gathered to watch “Monday Night Football” and nobody knew or cared about Williams Jr.’s politics.
Honestly, everything is great. This was so much fun to read and write about. (I’m hoping I’m not forgetting some offensive or dated thing as I type this)
What would be done differently today?
There’s a great mix of real-life and fake news, with columns and short articles and long articles and infographics.
There are leadership gurus whose advice for overcoming adversity is mostly about willpower, pushing forward, finding the positive, and other platitudes.
That advice has … mixed results. But what I do sense when I read these Onion issues is the staff deciding, "We can’t change lots of things, but we are the best at what we do, let’s go do it.”
I continue to enjoy this era of The Onion, and I hope y’all are, too.
