20 years ago, The Onion pushed back on the War on Terror
We also have a wrestler named Manzilla, the return of that one Onion writer obsessed with Alan Greenspan, and an early mention of Vin Diesel!
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from exactly 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Oct. 10, 2001.
This is the first issue of the post-9/11 era where the top story is not based on real events. But there remains plenty for The Onion to talk about regarding the nascent War on Terror, including commentary from Jean Teasdale.
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What issue is this?
This was Vol. 37, Issue 36, the 77th Onion issue of the 2000s and the 76th issue of new content. Here’s what the website looked like in 2001, 2011 and today.
The blunt front-page headline “Telemarketer Won't Take 'Fuck Off And Die' For An Answer” is no longer online.
The Onion’s website more or less returned to normal, save a little reminder on the left-hand side of the 9/11 issue:
What was the top story, and other impressions?
20 years ago, The Onion apparently was desperate to return to its normal material, but maybe it went back too far in time? “Everybody Browsing At Video Store Saying Stupid Things” sounds like a “Seinfeld” subplot about a man — Peter Lisowitz — annoyed by everyone else’s movie likes and dislikes:
"Some woman said, 'Keanu Reeves is such a great actor. He just really gets into a role. I wish he'd do a movie with Tom Cruise. That'd be an amazing pairing,'" Lisowitz said. "That's an actual quote."
First of all, all those things are true. And Keanu and Cruise should do a movie together. Maybe co-villains in “Fast & Furious 10: Lunar Race Wars”?
Like anything from 20 years ago, the movies and actors are of their time. Lisowitz rents “Memento,” a movie talked about by seemingly everyone my freshman year of college; I’ve still not seen it.
He’s also angered by people’s love of “American Pie,” a woman’s dismissal of “Rush Hour” as a “foreign film,” a heavily edited blurb from movie critic Peter Travers, and the ineptitude of the rental store’s manager:
"I asked the store manager if there was an anime section," Lisowitz said. "So he says to me, 'Most of the Disney stuff is in the kids section. Is there a specific cartoon I can help you find?' This is the manager."
Look, this is a very funny article, a great look at people’s petty angst. But wow does it feel ancient.
9/11 stuff
The most prescient real-life story of this issue is “Freedoms Curtailed In Defense Of Liberty,” which is largely a follow-up of real-life comments by White House press secretary Ari Fleischer aimed at Bill Maher: “People have to watch what they say and watch what they do.”
The Onion has Fleischer double down on this feeling:
"In this time of national crisis, a time when our most cherished freedoms are threatened, all Americans—not just outspoken talk-show hosts like Bill Maher—must watch what they say," White House press secretary Ari Fleischer told reporters. "Now more than ever, if we want to protect democracy for future generations, it is vital that nobody speak out about the issues of the day."
The Onion never quite developed a John Ashcroft parody, usually going for blunt attacks. This article is no exception:
That is why I call upon all Americans to submit to wiretaps, e-mail monitoring, and racial profiling. Now is not the time to allow simplistic, romantic notions of 'civil liberties' and 'equal protection under the law' to get in the way of our battle with the enemies of freedom."
There are also lengthy anti-freedom quotes from Sen. John McCain and Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld.
This article touches on topics that remain hotly in debate, but the context these days is usually about the power of private companies, not just the government. The Onion understands humanity, but it’s not a soothsayer, after all.
We have regular Onion columnist Jean Teasdale, who I’ve grown very fond of while writing this newsletter. Her latest is “Returning To Abnormal,” and the column starts with a sober, mournful tone. But we know Jean isn’t going to stay that way! And thus:
I decided to pretend that all of this never happened.
…
I mean, that's what the terrorists want, right? They want us to be Gloomy Guses with frowns hanging to the ground. Well, like our president said, we shouldn't give in to these terrorists. And to that, my personal response is, "What terrorists?"
Jean’s self-effacing honesty is always welcome, and never more so than when she’s doing a very early version of a Karen:
I realize that not everyone is a self-centered Midwestern woman with a low-paying retail job who's never been farther east than Columbus, OH. But this is what God has made me, and I think the best thing I can do right now is to not question it and just be me.
Other 9/11-related items included:
“Dildo Manufacturers Association: Nation Must Return To Normalcy, Purchase Dildos” made me laugh for so many reasons, one being that I work with trade associations a lot in my real job. I’m only 50% joking when I say a key function of an association is to connect major events to your lobbying needs.
I also like that the proceeds of the "Star Spangled Rammer" will go to relief efforts. That’s class.“Chemical And Biological Weapons”: Mercifully, this threat hasn’t been realized, at least at a large scale. The fun(?) part in 2021 is you can take most of these answers and imagine it’s COVID being discussed:
"I bought a gas mask for protection. I also bought an anthrax vaccine, a safety suit, and a hermetically sealed house that I never leave.”
Michael Cuyler • Contractor
Local news stories
The Onion continued to reintroduce a greater share of local stories in this, the third issue published after 9/11.
One of these is “Formerly Evil Wrestler Realizes Error Of His Ways,” which hits all the notes of the former “heel” who’s trying to become a fan favorite. But it adds a twist — this doesn’t appear to be a staged transformation.
Instead, the fictional Manzilla of the fictional American Wrestling Federation has this realization mid-match, and throws the tag-team bout rather than give in to his evil tendencies. That said, like any good wrestler, he remains a showman, always promoting the next event:
"I want to say something to all my former partners in the Coalition Of Wrong, to all my former tag-team partners, from the War Pigs to the Stink Squad, and to my now-ex-girlfriend Lustula. I have seen the light. I will no longer be a bad example to children everywhere. I thought you were my friends, but I was wrong. You thought you could control me, but you were wrong. And at Battle Among The Cattle, next month in the Calgary Saddledome, you'll all see just how wrong."
Other fictional wrestlers named in this article include Quasar, Bad Smells Smith, Big Chief Beef, Barry Hatchett, Half-Ton, Diamond Ralph, and Santa's Biggest Helper.
This was fun to read, and must have been even more fun to write.
In a different sort of relationship conflict, “Husband, Wife Have Conflicting Ideas About What Constitutes Healthy Sex Life” is detailed and explicit about the differences in Tennessee couple Craig and Lisa Livorno’s sexual desires, needs and fantasies.
If you imagined this article following male-female stereotypes, you’d be correct! Craig has all these big plans and fantasies, and Lisa thinks he’s not being serious. That doesn’t make it a bad or unfunny article, but there’s not much suspense or surprise.
Also, where is that photo from? Is that a futon in The Onion’s offices?
Other local news items included:
“Screaming Japanese Schoolgirls Overturn Greenspan's Bus” is yet another Alan Greenspan joke about him being a wild celebrity. These are weird, but I love them.
“Move To Houseboat Regretted By Third Day”: This is also an easy joke, but it’s a short article with good details about this guy’s regret, especially over his Hawaiian shirt collection. Also, do any movies show people happy to be living on houseboats? I can only think of “The Replacements,” where the boat is part of Keanu Reeves’ sad decline, and "Houseboat,” where Cary Grant only buys the house after his car and house are totaled.
“Area Grasshopper Kind Of A Thorax Man Himself” is really silly, but again, I like that The Onion is allowing itself to have fun.
“Diary Lied To”: Historians rely on diaries a lot, and I understand why. But I wonder how many deliberate lies they contain!
“Former High-School Bully Pulls You Over For Speeding” is just a headline and photo on the front page. I actually would have liked a longer story describing this interaction (and the past misdeeds).
“Vin Diesel Breaks Off Tracking Collar Against Rocky Outcropping”: An early Onion mention of our American hero! The first “Fast & Furious” film had debuted in June 2001.
Were the infographics good?
“Corporations Facing Bankruptcy” feels pretty generic, as much as I enjoy and shudder at the thought of General Motors International Coffee.
I cannot believe it’s 20 years since “Star Trek: Enterprise” debuted. Even my mom can only sort of defend this show, and she loves “Star Trek” and is in general very forgiving of TV.
Scott Bakula seems like a nice enough guy, but he’s managed to be the lead in the worst Star Trek and the worst NCIS show. His accent on “NCIS: New Orleans” is also its own character, as it never settles into one voice. He’s probably got a lot of money, though.
Anyways, these jokes are mostly fine, except for the Sherlock Holmes joke. I randomly watched the “Star Trek: Next Generation” episode this week where Data, Geordi and Picard are in the holodeck grappling with a rogue Holmes story. That’s a great episode. Much more fun than “Oh, let’s explore this planet, and some people we’ve never met before or since, but they have a crisis only we can solve (in 1 hour)!”
Finally, we have “Job-Hunting Tips,” which probably isn’t as funny in 2021 just because the job market is so radically different. There are also a lot of references to paper resumes and answering machines:
After providing a contact number for your "former employer at Merrill Lynch," be sure to change your answering machine to say, "Hi, this is Merrill Lynch, we're not in right now."
What columnists ran?
Besides Jean Teasdale, we have “I Wish I Were Hungry,” which feels a bit like a sequel to 1998’s Point/Counterpoint “I Am So Starving vs. I Am So Starving.”
Anyways, this column will probably make you hungry, so be warned. There’s also a random mention of “Dark Angel,” that Jessica Alba-Michael Weatherly show.
Most “Hey, it’s 2001!” reference
The Gemini horoscope this week reminds us how big Solitaire was, especially on Windows 95.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Your acquisition of a state-of-the-art supercomputer will mark your entry into the elite, top rank of the world's solitaire players.
What was the best horoscope?
Lots of variety in this week’s horoscopes, but I enjoyed this one for whatever reason:
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Though they are brown and have two legs, they are kangaroos, not pants.
What holds up best?
This week’s issue is very solid, even 20 years later, but it’s not quite the iconic, must-read that the previous two issues were. That’s OK! Just being a fun read 20 years later is an accomplishment!
I can’t believe this, but probably what holds up best is “Dildo Manufacturers Association: Nation Must Return To Normalcy, Purchase Dildos.” It’s such a time capsule moment of what was going on 3-4 weeks after 9/11: This dual realization that everything had changed, yet we must also shop and travel with extra fervor. Everything was about showing the terrorists they didn’t win — why not sex toys?
What holds up worst?
“Corporations Facing Bankruptcy” is a throwaway infographic that probably wasn’t great then and has no relevance now.
Final thoughts
We’re almost back to “normal” with The Onion, or at least as close as possible. The Oct. 10, 2001, issue is pretty much a standard Onion issue, except for coverage of the anthrax attacks.