20 years ago in The Onion: Feb. 16, 2000
The Onion's publisher emeritus is haunted by his father! And so much nostalgia -- Britney, Putin, Clinton and Alan Greenspan!
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later. Today, we’re looking at Vol. 36, Issue 05, from exactly 20 years ago: Feb. 16, 2000.
Glad to see a bunch of new subscribers, and I’m grateful to have you along for the journey.
If you know someone who loves The Onion, pass this on to them! And if you’re new, sign up below for the weekly email.
What issue is this?
This is The Onion’s fifth issue of the 2000s. It’s also possibly the first appearance of Vladimir Putin.
Here’s what the online version looked like in 2000. In 2010, the stories were in a different order, as you can see here. And here’s today’s website, but it’s missing some stories (for instance, “Use Of Organic Peanut Butter Adds Two Minutes To Local Man's Life” is tagged incorrectly today in a 2008 issue).
Unlike last week, we don’t have recycled stories or anything that’s disappeared from the internet. So we can get right into the discussion.
What was the top story, and other first impressions
Technically, “Consumer Safety Commission Fondly Recalls Stretch Armstrong Doll” is the top story, but while I like a good headline pun, it’s not my favorite. I do enjoy that the regulators want to recall the toys just so they can own them.
Stay tuned: The better toy recall story comes up later in 2000 with “Fun Toy Banned Because Of Three Stupid Dead Kids.”
No, I want to start with last week’s column by Onion founder Herman Ulysses Zweibel, who wrote from the grave about ending up in Hell. Last week, I shared this quote:
“Behold Hell's most horrific vista: an eternity in my son's bed-chamber! Well, I'd better make the most of it, and commence scaring the shit out of people.”
Well, this week his son, T. Herman Zweibel, returns with a column that begins as such:
Aaaagggghhhh! Nurse, nurse, help! Help! The ghost of my late father, Herman Ulysses Zweibel, is haunting me again! Help! Murder! Police!
I can't understand what's been happening lately. In the past week, the phantom of Pater has been routinely materializing in my bed-chamber. What does he want? Why is he here?
That’s right: The Onion created an ongoing story line with T. Herman (who is alive and turning 132 in 2000) being haunted by his dead father. It’s not going well for T. Herman, who resents his father’s harsh parenting and not being allowed to go on adventures:
Well, to hell with you, you miserable old fiend! You were never around when I was a boy! You were always off slaughtering Passenger Pigeons, raiding Wells Fargo stages, or getting into gun-fights with the Schaumburg Kid. I spent most of my youth as Mater's sewing table. That Singer machine was agony on my back, and I had so many straight pins imbedded in my flesh, I resembled Saint Sebastian!
As I’ve been saying nearly every week, I love seeing jokes and satire about topics in 2000 that today are just how we live our lives. This isn’t always happy news: For instance, “Boss Waxes Nostalgic About Sexual-Harassment Suit” feels dated in some aspects and entirely current in other ways.
Sometimes this is just awkward: Surely, someone who reads this email has suffered a fate similar to “Woman Doomed To Years Of Hippo-Themed Gifts.”
Also, the aforementioned “Use Of Organic Peanut Butter Adds Two Minutes To Local Man's Life” is a great parody of the lengths we go to live better and healthier for minimal gains. The Onion is also good at closing out articles with jokes that carry the story in a different direction before abruptly ending, and this is no exception.
Dunst has also added 22 seconds to his life by starting off each day with a frosty, fiber-rich "Bulgur Smoothie."
I should also mention “New Mommy A Lot Prettier,” which is clever in using the children’s oblivious praise of the new wife to deliver brutal blows to the ex-wife. It’s not funny, exactly, but it is ruefully humorous. Case in point:
"Our mommy-mommy is always crying. But our Alison-mommy smiles so much. She giggles whenever Daddy says anything," Courtney said.
It’s amazing this story works despite making the children’s lack of awareness its centerpiece. Not only do they not realize why their mom is sad, they don’t realize that new mom is only tolerating them:
"I'm thrilled to be with John, and I honestly don't even mind his kids at all," Alison said. "In fact, it's kind of fun to have them around the house a couple days a week. But hopefully someday, John and I can have some of our own."
This issue overall doesn’t have a knockout masterpiece, in my opinion, but almost every type of story is well-represented — small-town life, real-life parody, opinion columns, the “What Do You Think?” and the infographics. It’s hard to complain.
Were the infographics good?
I’m both a big fan of The New Yorker and someone who has canceled his subscription 2-3 times over the years because I needed a break from it. So I loved this infographic about how the magazine was celebrating 75 years. That goldfish joke is such a New Yorker thing, and as is the idea of a “Too-Too-Droll Cat Illustration.” There’s also a bit of “Hey, it’s 2000!” in the reference to Tina Brown, who was the sometimes-controversial editor for most of the 1990s, as well as Tavern on the Green, the NYC mainstay that is now closed.
I never did a junior high science fair project, but I feel this infographic also has good jokes. I don’t know why, but “Spider-Man: Spider or Man?” is very funny to me.
What real-life events/people were mentioned?
Vladimir Putin. Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera and Mandy Moore. The New Yorker.
The Onion, and the world at large, didn’t recognize Putin’s staying power back in 2000, and thus “Russia To Consult With Wise Old Woman Of Woods” is mostly Russian stereotype parody and not really about Putin. I do enjoy the commitment to the bit about "Baba Mat," the Wise Old Woman Who Lives In The Land Of Many Tall Trees Beyond The Black Mountains. It turns out major events in the Cold War turned on her fickle whims:
In 1985, for reasons that still elude many Russian experts, she turned Soviet premier Konstantin Chernenko into a decrepit yak and made him plow her turnip fields until he collapsed and died.
Meanwhile, The Onion this week asked ordinary people about the rise of “sultry teen pop princesses.” Apparently, Britney, Christina and Mandy really bothered people back then. The answers are all pretty inappropriate, but here’s the one that’s stuck in my head for 20 years:
"Kids aren't growing up too fast. My 10-year-old daughter loves Britney Spears, and I trust her not to go all the way with her live-in boyfriend."
Most “Hey, it’s 2000!” reference
There are numerous candidates this week. The entire idea of “World Gets First-Ever Look Inside Greenspan Fantasy Ranch” is a strong contender — an article about Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan being an eccentric playboy, not to mention the reference to “CNNfn reporter Dan Grentsch.” I looked it up so you don’t have to: This was a CNBC-like channel that aired from 1995 to 2004.
Also very 2000 was the column “They Finally Got The TV Schedule Exactly Right,” not just because nobody sets their schedule around the ABC/CBS/NBC/Fox primetime schedule, but because of all the forgettable shows mentioned. A short list:
“Jesse,” Christina Applegate’s first show after “Married … with Children”
“Ladies Man,” which clearly wasted Alfred Molina and Betty White’s talents
“Norm.” Look, I love Norm Macdonald, but acting is not his strength
Finally, I don’t know when stirrup pants were or weren’t popular. But “Salvation Army Clothing Drop-Off Choked With Stirrup Pants” feels like a 2000 thing.
What columnists ran?
Besides T. Herman Zweibel and the TV schedule column, we were treated to this astounding headline: “What The Hell Did I Cram In My Anus Last Night?”
I guess what really works with this column is that its author, Kyle Fitzer, is not ashamed, trying to defend a fetish or persuade you it’s normal. He discusses this as if it’s entirely ordinary, in the exact tone of someone who goes out drinking and wakes up the next day in a hazy fog. It’s brilliant in taking a normalized activity and changing the nouns, Mad Libs-style, to talk about items in your anus instead of drinking.
Here’s an example of what I mean:
I've never really thought of myself as a big-time anal crammer, or the kind of guy who can out-cram everyone else at a party. I'll usually stuff, you know, a couple of travel-size shampoos and maybe a harmonica in there, just to be social.
What was the best horoscope?
So much gunplay and death in this round of horoscopes! Let’s go instead with Gemini:
“Christ will appear to you in a dream but, unfortunately, it's not a very sexy dream.”
Was Bill Clinton mentioned? Was an animal quoted?
Welcome back, President Clinton! The Onion tended to treat Clinton as a ridiculously fictional character in later years, possibly because his sexcapades and subsequent impeachment were equally unreal. 1997’s “Clinton To PLO Terrorists: 'Leave The Girl Out Of It” is a great example.
20 years ago today, we got the bizarre “Clinton's Sight Restored,” a non sequitur story with an equally non sequitur ending:
Clinton aides said he plans to step down from the presidency to return to his figure-skating career.
What holds up best?
The New Yorker is still as pretentious as ever, so that infographic feels very relevant. And, sadly, I’m sure ““New Mommy A Lot Prettier” still holds up in some households.
What holds up worst?
The 2000 issue had a headline-only item that, like all the headlines without photos or stories, is no longer online. That’s probably for the best, as “Five Workers Help Down Syndrome Man Lead Normal Life” is not The Onion’s best work. It’s unclear to me who is supposed to be the butt of that joke, for one thing.
Also, the horoscopes have two references to shooting people, including a school shooting.
What would be done differently today?
Putin would be the center of any Russia story today, for sure, instead of being a bit player in a tale about a Russian folklore witch. The Federal Reserve isn’t such a rarefied entity anymore, and Alan Greenspan’s successors have not been celebrities — I doubt Jay Powell would get a story today. And, as always, there would be many more politics stories.
What was happening in the real world?
The Onion published on Feb. 16, but printing a newspaper requires an earlier deadline. Therefore, here are news items from Feb. 7-Feb. 13, 2000, as listed by InfoPlease and The New York Times front pages (subscription required):
Major websites are hacked. U.S. productivity up 5% in the 2nd half of 1999, Yugoslavia’s defense minister is assassinated. Hillary Clinton declares Senate candidacy. Arthur C. Clarke publishes work online — at FatBrain.com — instead of in print. Russia to stop producing plutonium at civilian nuclear sites. President Clinton submits budget. Tiger Woods wins 6th straight tournament. Hijackers of Afghan plane negotiate peaceful surrender in London. DNA emerges for prosecuting rape cases, but statutes of limitation an obstacle. Elian Gonzalez saga continues. Diallo trial continues. Ken Griffey Jr. signs with the Cincinnati Reds. Internet millionaires explore philanthropy on their terms. “In World of Hackers, Good Guys And Bad Guys Are Often a Blur.” Minnesota Gov. Jesse Ventura (the wrestler) quits Reform Party. Longtime Dallas Cowboys coach Tom Landry dies.