20 years ago (+1 day), The Onion covered Afghanistan
Life got in the way, so we're late! Apologies!
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Nov. 7, 2001.
I would have had this in your inboxes yesterday, but life got in the way. Gotta plan a little better next time. Thanks for your patience and for reading!
Afghanistan was the biggest thing going 20 years ago, and The Onion focused on it even as it continued to re-emphasize its local newspaper-style “Area Man” stories.
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What issue is this?
This was Vol. 37, Issue 40, the 81st Onion issue of the 2000s and the 80th issue of new content. Here’s what the website looked like in 2001, 2011 and today.
These front-page headlines are no longer online:
“Neutered Cat Instinctively Protects Empty Scrotum”
“Googly Moogly: Great?”
Because The Onion’s parent company has deleted all old images, the infographics aren’t currently online, though they’ll appear below.
Also missing are tiny photos like this from the front-page headlines “KFC Responds To Stockpiling Trend With 576-Piece Bucket” and “Lara Flynn Boyle's Publicist Warns Interviewer Upfront.”
As in past weeks, The Onion’s website in 2001 continued to link to the 9/11 issue.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
When I first saw “70 Percent Of World's Population Could Use All-Star Benefit Concert,” I thought the article might be talking about Live Aid and other 1980s benefits.
But it’s actually a response to real-life benefits like the Concert For New York City, United We Stand and America: A Tribute To Heroes, all of which were organized in response to 9/11.
Here, the United Nations has realized these benefits could help victims of tragedy throughout the world, although the sheer number of causes means “800 two-hour concerts per celebrity would be required over the next year” to meet global demand.
Another problem is that many countries don’t have the right infrastructure. One promoter notes that Sierra Leone is utterly unprepared to host Ozzy Osbourne, much less run a pyrotechnics display.
Despite these problems, the UN is moving forward:
Though only in its initial stages, the deployment of stars has already begun. Last week, R&B sensation Pink was dispatched to Indonesia to raise money for the families of the 350 asylum-seeking refugees who drowned in an overcrowded boat last month, while Arista recording artist Dido is slated to perform Nov. 27 in war-torn Macedonia. In addition, the '80s new-wave band Soft Cell has agreed to reunite for three December shows in AIDS-ravaged South Africa.
This article is well-written, but I’m not sure it’s particularly funny? Maybe the most interesting trivia here is a lengthy mention of George Harrison’s interest in organizing dozens of benefit concerts. Harrison would be dead 3 weeks after this issue published.
Afghanistan and terrorism
“Area Man Acts Like He's Been Interested In Afghanistan All Along” was a fun idea 20 years ago, but it’s only gotten better as the Internet abounds with people who believe themselves experts on everything. In fall 2001, you would have also seen this with the talking heads on TV news, as well as that embarrassing “West Wing” episode where suddenly everyone’s an expert on Islam.
Here, Michael Schloegel claims to remember long-ago facts about Afghanistan that no American teen would know, like “when the Soviet-backed government replaced President Barbrak Karmal with Muhammad Najibullah in '86.”
The Onion talks to friends who complain that Mike keeps claiming to have read all these books on Afghanistan and other topics, saying he wants to travel to the country — and also that he predicted the anthrax attacks of 2001 because of another (real-life) book he read.
And like many of today’s online bullshitters, Mike is a repeat offender:
This is not the first time Schloegel has falsely claimed current-events expertise. Last November, he spontaneously became an expert in ballot-counting procedure and election law, and earlier this year, he "wouldn't shut up" about global warming and the history of the Kyoto Protocol.
Both of our columnists this week deal with the War on Terror. The very 2001 column “If I Don't Get My Medium-Rare Shell Steak With Roasted Vegetables In The Next 10 Minutes, The Terrorists Have Already Won” is a lovely look at a guy who’s a real pain in the ass at restaurants, but finally has an excuse for his demands.
These are hard times for all of us. Some days, I can barely bring myself to send back my tuna sandwich for having too much mayo or too little tarragon. Yet to hang my head in defeat and eat a sandwich that fails to meet my personal specifications is exactly what they want us to do. They want us to give up and admit defeat.
Love the detail about tarragon. And our columnist’s manipulation is top-notch, as he claims bad waitress service is “phase three” of the terrorists’ cunning plan:
The first was the destruction of our most powerful political and financial symbols. The second was to shake our confidence in our government's ability to protect us. The third is to prevent us from enjoying the high standards of service that customers here at Joe's Steak Pit have come to expect.
We also have perhaps my favorite regular Onion columnist, Jackie Harvey, who I’ve written about many times for his delightful mix of enthusiasm and cluelessness.
Harvey’s return in this issue is a wonderful sign from The Onion that not everything has to change.
In “I'm No Tali-fan!” he expresses his dislike of “Osama Ben Laden” and all the many spellings of his name, mentions a real-life Salon article about “terror sex,” comments on Britney Spears, “K-Pax,” reality TV and more. Also, he offers this Larry King-like non sequitur:
You know how the New York Police Department is abbreviated NYPD? Well, I was surprised to find out that the fire department is the FDNY, not the NYFD. Funny how that works.
But mostly, Harvey is getting lots of names wrong in his Emmy Award picks. For example:
Best Drama Series? Let's look at the nominees. They are ER, Law And Order, Tony Soprano, Practice Makes Perfect, and West Wings.
…
For Best Actress In A Movie Or Miniseries, look no further than Sir Judi Dench. I'm pretty sure she's been nominated.
And for Best Actress In A Drama Series? Please! It could only be Eileen Brenneman from Chasing Amy. I picked her because a girl in my high school had the same name, and she was pretty nice. Well, that wasn't the only reason, but it was a pretty big factor.
I had to double-check the last one, but it’s Amy Brenneman from “Judging Amy.”
Other Afghanistan and terror coverage included:
“Flood Of Cheap Afghan Heroin To Arrive Just In Time For Recession”: A timely joke that was perversely optimistic in its belief that Americans were going to receive all that good heroin.
“Ashcroft's Vague Warnings”: The Onion asks people about Attorney General John Ashcroft’s claims of ongoing "credible threats.” While The Onion mostly mocks Ashcroft here, there is an acknowledgement of the uneasiness:
"The whole damn country's been paranoid about terrorism ever since the whole damn country was devastated by terrorism."
Christopher Adams • Systems Analyst
Area People doing Area Things
“Woman Has Perfect Clip Art For Party Invitation” is a classic late 1990s-early 2000s concept — people barely send invites anymore, much less decorate them. Irene Smalls of Riverside Property Management is painfully proud of her work:
"I honestly think this is the best invitation I've ever done," Smalls said. "Everything's there: pilgrims, Thanksgiving food, autumn stuff. It's a perfect balance."
I want to make fun of her, but she’s put so much time into this, even considering and rejecting alternative clip art themes, like a Norman Rockwell motif or a Native American carrying corn.
The clip art community is also proud:
"We clip artists work in near-total anonymity: No one knows who we are, and we barely ever know who's out there enjoying our clip artistry," said Sklar, who designed the leaves and rake Smalls used for her invitation. "So when I hear that someone appreciated my work enough to use it in their PTA newsletter or blood-donation sign-up sheet, I feel really proud."
“Model-Train Hobby Becomes Model-Train Habit” is a pretty basic story template, but the idea of a hobbyist getting too invested is easy for most people to imagine. The Onion writes about his hobby through the lens of addiction, even having Leon Gehr’s wife, Penny, say, “I want my husband back.”
Leon is withdrawing from friends and family, refusing to quit his model train habit, and could get pulled deeper into the world by taking a job at the train store.
"If I worked at the Hobby Haven, I could just hang out and talk to people about trains all day," Gehr said. "I know it sounds crazy, but I could make a lot of money working on commission. Plus, I'd get the employee discount. And if I ever did get tired of it, I know I could quit any time."
Other local stories in this issue:
“Olive Garden Voted Best Italian Restaurant In Annual 'Milwaukee Magazine' Awards” is kind of making fun of local magazines and unsophisticated diners, but this also seems to predict Marilyn Hagerty, the 80-something local newspaper critic who raved about the Olive Garden, got made fun of but then was defended by no less than Anthony Bourdain. I don’t go to chain restaurants much, but there’s a lot to like about knowing exactly what you’re going to get, especially if you’re traveling or carting around a family.
“Weird Coworker Apparently Likes Walking Two Miles To Work Every Day” made me laugh as someone who does not have a car — but also does not walk 3 miles to the office.
“JCPenney Abandons 45-Second Sale”: Funny mostly because it doesn’t directly invoke the Black Friday tramplings that happen every so often.
“Actor's Parents Proud He's Playing A Doctor”: My favorite line is how the dad is happy “his son has left behind the ‘rough crowd’ he ran with last fall as a bully on Gilmore Girls.”
Were the infographics good?
I had forgotten the controversy when Jonathan Franzen, who seems to relish conflict, was critical of Oprah’s literary tastes. (This New York Times article gleefully quotes highbrow literary types saying Franzen doesn’t understand the modern world, as if they possibly do).
Of course, in 2021, Oprah, Franzen and New Yorker editor David Remnick (mentioned above) have more in common than not — three well-to-do brainy people who live vastly different lives than the average person. This spat feels like 100 years ago.
This infographic is disturbing to visualize, even if the jokes are unusually dry and cutting for a front-page Onion infographic.
We also have “Choosing A Health Club,” which is not technically an infographic but rather a list of bullet points (and a common Onion feature in 2001). The jokes are solid and mostly what you’d expect about working out, gym memberships, trainers and losing weight. There is this joke, which is about a movie I’d never heard of:
Before making any decision, get the real inside scoop on health clubs by renting Perfect, starring Jamie Lee Curtis and John Travolta.
This is a money-losing, forgotten movie that was 16 years old in 2001. Today’s equivalent might be “Rumor Has It” from 2005.
Most “Hey, it’s 2001!” reference
The clip art story. I hadn’t thought about clip art for years, and to be fair, today’s kids shouldn’t have a clue what that is.
What was the best horoscope?
My favorite horoscope this week is Gemini, mostly because it’s so silly.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The famous saying actually says that golf is "a good walk spoiled," not "a waste of time and an annoyance to the pig." Let the poor pig out of your golf bag.
What holds up best?
“Area Man Acts Like He's Been Interested In Afghanistan All Along” will never stop being relevant as long as humans are humans. This is a story The Onion has probably written 100 times over the years, just updated with whatever big news was happening.
What holds up worst?
The Lara Flynn Boyle joke is irrelevant because she’s no longer that famous, but it also highlights the way celebrities like her were treated. There’s an assumption that she’s at fault for the constant scrutiny and attention, and for not embracing it.
Honorable mention to the use of “Third World” in “70 Percent Of World's Population Could Use All-Star Benefit Concert,” a phrase that was in wide use then but would be replaced today by “developing countries” or “emerging nations” or something similar.
What would be done differently today?
I often wonder how The Onion’s print newspaper would have covered COVID-19. Or whether The Onion would have survived without people going to newsstands or coffee shops or other places where the newspaper was available.
I guess it’s good we never had to find out. This issue is somewhat similar to The Onion today: Cover real-life stuff, but also mix in some “Area Man” satire.
As always, the biggest difference between today and 20 years ago is how many stories and jokes are needed when you’re a 24/7 website with social media channels, video, etc.
Next week, I’ll be more timely with a new Onion issue, but then we’ll probably be on a break as The Onion finally took some time off ahead of Thanksgiving.